He said it himself, didn't he? He thinks I'm supposed to be this... this great person, and all I do is fuck everything up!
Whoever he thinks I'm supposed to be, I'm not. I am a disappointment.
[He balls his hands into tight, shaky fists. If he was a better person, he wouldn't feel so inadequate that he has to claw the competition down to his level. It's pathetic. All this does is hurt Ain, but if he can't compete at all...]
He deserves better than that. He has better than that. If he'd just realize it already... he doesn't need me around anymore, he never did.
Hm, I don't believe you "being a disappointment" is why he's upset with you. Furthermore, do you think he wants you to think about yourself like that? Do you sincerely believe that Ain thinks that about you? People can get frustrated and arguments happen, that'll be a part of any relationship - platonic or not. But that doesn't define your worth or ability to be in a relationship.
You’re here because you care about him, and that says a lot about who you are, you know.
... well. He didn't dwell on those gay theatre thoughts the other day for nothing. Add frowns, staring down at his half-eaten kebab for a long moment.]
I...
I want him to rely on me. I want to understand him better than anyone else. Then, if he looks at me that way...
[He'd have earned it. He'd be worthy of the attention.
He just wants to feel like he belongs here, basking in Ain's glow.]
[ He wouldn't say this if Ain hasn't been wholesale flirting with Add on the notebook, of course. But he also knows of Ain's feelings on the matter, even if he won't go into detail. Not the be the guy who's like "just kiss already", buuuuuut... ]
But it's also unfair to add in that "better than anyone else" to him, when he is committed to other people as well, y'know? Don't get me wrong, I understand. I'm an insanely jealous person, too. But trying to be better than his partners or get him to see only you will only lead to more fights and arguments down the line, as well as that sort of... umm... love-hungry anger in your stomach, I guess.
...
Maybe that's just me, now that I think about it. Anyway, my point being that... just because he loves others, does not mean he doesn't love you. Love is not this dividable thing - only his time is.
[Yeah... in a weird way, the fact that Ain has been publicly flirting with him for weeks ontop of all the public outbursts kinda makes this easier to talk about, like maybe it doesn't feel like pouring his heart out if everyone already about knows the relationship drama? But that's beside the point here.
Ezell said something similar, last time. Ain does not give pieces of his heart to his friends and partners—he gives everything.
It's a hard thing for him to grasp, since he's never really... had this kind of thing before. But the other point is a lot more straightforward. Trying to outdo everyone else will only cause more arguments... yeah, no shit.]
... I dunno. [He can't help but feel lame, giving a half-assed answer after Mizuki laid everything out like that. But even if Mizuki is right about everything,] I can't help how I feel about it. That guy, he's just so... so effortless. Like he's rubbing it in my face all the time. It pisses me off. [can't he at least be better than ONE boyfriend?]
I mean no offense when I say this, Add, but I do think it needs to be addressed - even when you do get compliments and such, you seem to brush them off or deny them. [ Granted, he's only seen that like twice, but it's just adding to the many symptoms of Imposter Syndrome that Add has. Mizuki knows enough about that to pin Add with it. He won't say this out loud, of course! He's always wary of doing so, considering he isn't a real psychologist or anything like that. ]
Changing your feelings is never easy. But, ideally, you can be open with him so the both of you can try to figure it out together, instead of just upsetting you both in the end. Jealousy is especially nasty. Makes you wanna cling to them forever and not let go, so they only look at you and think the world of you, to crawl under their skin so you can stay with them forever, or have a perfect catalogue of their interests and mimicking them so they pay attention to you and only you. I get it. [ Mizuki's nodding, like this is all totally normal shit to say. ] But I don't think he's trying to "rub it in your face" or anything. He isn't the type.
That's... [He immediately want to deny it, but... it's different when the compliments aren't true, right? Anyone can just say things, it doesn't mean they're correct. But instead he lets Mizuki keep going with his parade of red flags. Yeah, this is all totally normal shit to say for sure.]
... tch, that just means I'm the only asshole here. Like that's any better.
[He bites off a big chunk of Probably Seaborn Kebab so he can think on it without speaking for a bit. Would talking to him really make any of this easier...? That doesn't sound right at all, but... it's not like Add would know.
...]
Guess it can't get any worse than this. [unless i kill all three of them with a knife right now 🔪]
[ There's no "Probably" Seaborn, it's definitely Seaborn. But it's juuuuust under the amount Add needs to eat to become Seaborn, because Mizuki would never do that without consent! Everyone thank Mizuki for the bare minimum- ]
I didn't say that. I do not think you're totally in the wrong, either. You and Wolfwood both have very combative personalities, I've noticed. They just don't mesh well together. There's more to it than that, of course, but I think that saying you're "the only asshole" is going back to that whole "projecting negative things" on yourself. Don't do that, Mister Add. You're a very kind person, I can tell. Like I said, you're talking about this and attempting to find a solution because you care so much about Ain. That's very admirable. If I were in your shoes, I would've just eaten him~.
[ Mizuki will get up from his spot on the bench for just a moment so he can step over to the truck, then brings two water bottles back over - one for Add and one for himself. He offers it out as he takes a seat again. ]
If you do truly want this to get better, though, that will require you to be a little more open with Ain. Do you think that's something you can do, or would you like me to help you write a letter, or... what do you think would be most comfortable for you?
[He's quietly soaking in all of these supportive words, nibbling on the rest of his kebab until Mizuki says something completely out of left field. But then he's already up and walking away before Add can ask and... uhhh. Hmm. He must've just... misheard, or...
It's probably nothing.
He holds the bottled water in his hands, staring at it intensely like it might hold all the answers.]
... doubt he'd accept a letter, or someone else saying it. This is... something I have to do myself.
[But after talking it out with Mizuki... he does feel a bit more confident in himself. There's at least one person here besides Ain who might believe in him, maybe.]
[ Yeah, misheard! Definitely! Sorry, Add, but the more you hang around the cannibal, the more you're gonna hear weird shit out of him. ]
Well, in that case, if you want to plan something out before hand, I'll listen to that, too. But just try not to do it while the emotions are still high, okay? With everything that happened, I'm worried about you, Mister Add. I think that if you try to fix things now when you're upset, it'd be a bit like throwing yourself into a wall... You should take some time - maybe just a night - to yourself, and come at it again with a rested mind.
[It's easier to say "let's tackle this again tomorrow" than "let's do this right now", anyway. This has already been a lot of emotional vulnerability for one day... no way is he talking to anyone else like this for the rest of the night. Not even Wolfwood several hours from now.
He glances over at Mizuki again, and... this would be the part where a normal person might say thanks, since he just spent a good amount of time giving Add free therapy on his break. But Add is a weenie and a freak, so he scoffs instead.]
Guess this kind of thing isn't a total waste of time after all. [Dynamo beeps in a thank you!! kind of way tho, Dynamo appreciates Mizuki.]
[ Mizuki isn't sure how Dynamo works for this Add, so he isn't sure if he can just tell Add "you're welcome" and have it delivered to him, so Mizuki gives a little sign with his hands towards them. "It's my pleasure, Dynamo", though his sign for "Dynamo" roughly translates to "small friends". ]
And thank you, Mister Add. It means the world to me that you'd want to talk to me.
Also. Is it alright if I pet Dynamo?? [ He's already picking up his hand, but isn't reaching just yet. ]
[ The jittering makes him get that big doofy grin again. ] Oh! So they can hear me through you! Hello, Dynamo!
[ Anyway, the hand is reaching out to pet the little nasods. This Add is not "his", and these Dynamo are not, either, but that isn't going to stop him from loving them any less??? They're still friends. He doesn't even pull away when the static connects, simply just taking that as part of the process. It's different, but he's a sea jelly, so it's not like he's too fussed about it. ]
It's nice to meet you. You're very cute! Lookin' "sharp", hehe...
Of course they can. Everything I hear, Dynamo hears. [That much is a constant even if they look completely different.
He's getting LOTS of little static shocks, yeah, this is how these dynamos show affection. They hold still for the first few seconds, but it's not long before they're huddling around Mizuki and vying for attention. Please ensure that all pets are evenly distributed across the collective, thank you!!
And Add says nothing, but... it is kind of nice, getting all this positive feedback by proxy... one of the dynamos will even circle back to Add to gently rest on his shoulder, like a firm but supportive hand. Hrmmm.]
[ If Mizuki were a Perro, his tail would be wagging like crazy right now. He's so delighted. And, of course, each Dynamo will get pet. He'll even let a few of his tentacles pat pat the ones his hands are not currently on. Little pats only, however, as he doesn't want to accidentally get jellyslime on them.
Mizuki cannot truly laugh, but there are little huffs of air that come out of him anyway, as if he's trying. He should probably get a brush after this. His hair sticking up just looks silly - he can't pull it off like Add can. ]
You all are doing a good job taking care of Add! Keep it up, okay? And if you ever need another pat, I'll be here!
[If the shocks start getting a little uncomfortably strong that just means they like him. Dynamo doesn't get much physical attention from anyone but Add, so they feel very appreciated right now. They chirp out another friendly string of beeps like yeah, they always try to do their best! They're very good at taking care of their human!!
Despite his best efforts not to make this weird, Add utters a soft sigh, looking far better than he has been for the past few hours.
If he closes his eyes it's basically the same as getting a hug, so that's his physical contact quota taken care of for the month he's good now please do not bring this up ever again.]
[ Unfortunately, the affection will have to end when the shocks get to be Too Much. He is not totally immune, after all, and pain isn't exactly up his alley. He is happy that Add seems more like himself than he had when he first came up to the truck. Does that mean the therapy is working?? Is he a good therapist~? ✨✨✨✨
Ehem.
Mizuki tilts his head from side to side enthusiastically. ] If you'd like some more food, I'd be happy to send you home with some. Did you like it, by the way? Would you like me to walk with you back home? I don't mind.
[Dynamo is only a little disappointed the pets have to end, because now they get to press up against Add's sides again and make sure he gets some reassuring electrical shocks.
Add looks at him, his expression a half-hearted frown. He seems to debate giving a bullshit answer, but]
I can walk myself home... the food was pretty good, though. Wouldn't mind some take out if it's not a big deal.
What's in it, anyway? It's got a unique taste, whatever it is. If it's exclusive to the city I'll be pissed.
[Add is going to get up and follow him anyway, so the distance isn't a problem. He's tossing out the trash from his fully-consumed kebab when he looks up, confused.]
What was that fifth item? [his... tentacles?????]
... Oh. You mean, like, the slime that comes off it, right? If you cook with your hands you'll get sweat and dead skin on the parts you touch, but it's not enough to be noticeable when it comes to humans...
[ An interesting theory, but Mizuki isn’t sure he understands the thought behind putting it in his ingredient list if it’s not a proper ingredient. He shakes his head, though, removing his break sign and putting a cutting board on the counter along with a chef’s knife. He’s done this many times before, and admittedly there are a lot of people weirded out by it. He doesn’t understand that mindset, though. It’s good food, people enjoyed it, so why get grossed out?
But, to demonstrate, he puts one of his goopy, black tendrils on the cutting board, with a color that’s more akin to car oil, and a faint shimmering that almost looked like stars. It’d be pretty if there wasn’t something inherently unsettling about it. It’s only a second later that he brings the knife down and severs it without even flinching. He holds it up afterwards. ]
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mooninthewater) wrote2023-08-16 12:10 pm
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Whoever he thinks I'm supposed to be, I'm not. I am a disappointment.
[He balls his hands into tight, shaky fists. If he was a better person, he wouldn't feel so inadequate that he has to claw the competition down to his level. It's pathetic. All this does is hurt Ain, but if he can't compete at all...]
He deserves better than that. He has better than that. If he'd just realize it already... he doesn't need me around anymore, he never did.
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You’re here because you care about him, and that says a lot about who you are, you know.
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[spoken in a tone of "obviously that can't be the right answer" but...]
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Mister Add? What... do you want here? Like, ignoring everything else. What would make you happy?
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... well. He didn't dwell on those gay theatre thoughts the other day for nothing. Add frowns, staring down at his half-eaten kebab for a long moment.]
I...
I want him to rely on me. I want to understand him better than anyone else. Then, if he looks at me that way...
[He'd have earned it. He'd be worthy of the attention.
He just wants to feel like he belongs here, basking in Ain's glow.]
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[ He wouldn't say this if Ain hasn't been wholesale flirting with Add on the notebook, of course. But he also knows of Ain's feelings on the matter, even if he won't go into detail. Not the be the guy who's like "just kiss already", buuuuuut... ]
But it's also unfair to add in that "better than anyone else" to him, when he is committed to other people as well, y'know? Don't get me wrong, I understand. I'm an insanely jealous person, too. But trying to be better than his partners or get him to see only you will only lead to more fights and arguments down the line, as well as that sort of... umm... love-hungry anger in your stomach, I guess.
...
Maybe that's just me, now that I think about it. Anyway, my point being that... just because he loves others, does not mean he doesn't love you. Love is not this dividable thing - only his time is.
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Ezell said something similar, last time. Ain does not give pieces of his heart to his friends and partners—he gives everything.
It's a hard thing for him to grasp, since he's never really... had this kind of thing before. But the other point is a lot more straightforward. Trying to outdo everyone else will only cause more arguments... yeah, no shit.]
... I dunno. [He can't help but feel lame, giving a half-assed answer after Mizuki laid everything out like that. But even if Mizuki is right about everything,] I can't help how I feel about it. That guy, he's just so... so effortless. Like he's rubbing it in my face all the time. It pisses me off. [can't he at least be better than ONE boyfriend?]
cw: yan shit
Changing your feelings is never easy. But, ideally, you can be open with him so the both of you can try to figure it out together, instead of just upsetting you both in the end. Jealousy is especially nasty. Makes you wanna cling to them forever and not let go, so they only look at you and think the world of you, to crawl under their skin so you can stay with them forever, or have a perfect catalogue of their interests and mimicking them so they pay attention to you and only you. I get it. [ Mizuki's nodding, like this is all totally normal shit to say. ] But I don't think he's trying to "rub it in your face" or anything. He isn't the type.
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... tch, that just means I'm the only asshole here. Like that's any better.
[He bites off a big chunk of Probably Seaborn Kebab so he can think on it without speaking for a bit. Would talking to him really make any of this easier...? That doesn't sound right at all, but... it's not like Add would know.
...]
Guess it can't get any worse than this. [unless i kill all three of them with a knife right now 🔪]
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I didn't say that. I do not think you're totally in the wrong, either. You and Wolfwood both have very combative personalities, I've noticed. They just don't mesh well together. There's more to it than that, of course, but I think that saying you're "the only asshole" is going back to that whole "projecting negative things" on yourself. Don't do that, Mister Add. You're a very kind person, I can tell. Like I said, you're talking about this and attempting to find a solution because you care so much about Ain. That's very admirable. If I were in your shoes, I would've just eaten him~.
[ Mizuki will get up from his spot on the bench for just a moment so he can step over to the truck, then brings two water bottles back over - one for Add and one for himself. He offers it out as he takes a seat again. ]
If you do truly want this to get better, though, that will require you to be a little more open with Ain. Do you think that's something you can do, or would you like me to help you write a letter, or... what do you think would be most comfortable for you?
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It's probably nothing.
He holds the bottled water in his hands, staring at it intensely like it might hold all the answers.]
... doubt he'd accept a letter, or someone else saying it. This is... something I have to do myself.
[But after talking it out with Mizuki... he does feel a bit more confident in himself. There's at least one person here besides Ain who might believe in him, maybe.]
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Well, in that case, if you want to plan something out before hand, I'll listen to that, too. But just try not to do it while the emotions are still high, okay? With everything that happened, I'm worried about you, Mister Add. I think that if you try to fix things now when you're upset, it'd be a bit like throwing yourself into a wall... You should take some time - maybe just a night - to yourself, and come at it again with a rested mind.
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[It's easier to say "let's tackle this again tomorrow" than "let's do this right now", anyway. This has already been a lot of emotional vulnerability for one day... no way is he talking to anyone else like this for the rest of the night. Not even Wolfwood several hours from now.
He glances over at Mizuki again, and... this would be the part where a normal person might say thanks, since he just spent a good amount of time giving Add free therapy on his break. But Add is a weenie and a freak, so he scoffs instead.]
Guess this kind of thing isn't a total waste of time after all. [Dynamo beeps in a thank you!! kind of way tho, Dynamo appreciates Mizuki.]
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And thank you, Mister Add. It means the world to me that you'd want to talk to me.
Also. Is it alright if I pet Dynamo?? [ He's already picking up his hand, but isn't reaching just yet. ]
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... they jitter a lot more at "can I pet Dynamo" tho. Add, however, looks far more uncertain.]
Uh. [is... is it weird to say he can feel it, kinda? would that make it too weird? he has to consider this very seriously.]
Sure, I guess?
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[ Anyway, the hand is reaching out to pet the little nasods. This Add is not "his", and these Dynamo are not, either, but that isn't going to stop him from loving them any less??? They're still friends. He doesn't even pull away when the static connects, simply just taking that as part of the process. It's different, but he's a sea jelly, so it's not like he's too fussed about it. ]
It's nice to meet you. You're very cute! Lookin' "sharp", hehe...
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He's getting LOTS of little static shocks, yeah, this is how these dynamos show affection. They hold still for the first few seconds, but it's not long before they're huddling around Mizuki and vying for attention. Please ensure that all pets are evenly distributed across the collective, thank you!!
And Add says nothing, but... it is kind of nice, getting all this positive feedback by proxy... one of the dynamos will even circle back to Add to gently rest on his shoulder, like a firm but supportive hand. Hrmmm.]
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Mizuki cannot truly laugh, but there are little huffs of air that come out of him anyway, as if he's trying. He should probably get a brush after this. His hair sticking up just looks silly - he can't pull it off like Add can. ]
You all are doing a good job taking care of Add! Keep it up, okay? And if you ever need another pat, I'll be here!
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Despite his best efforts not to make this weird, Add utters a soft sigh, looking far better than he has been for the past few hours.
If he closes his eyes it's basically the same as getting a hug, so that's his physical contact quota taken care of for the month he's good now please do not bring this up ever again.]
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Ehem.
Mizuki tilts his head from side to side enthusiastically. ] If you'd like some more food, I'd be happy to send you home with some. Did you like it, by the way? Would you like me to walk with you back home? I don't mind.
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Add looks at him, his expression a half-hearted frown. He seems to debate giving a bullshit answer, but]
I can walk myself home... the food was pretty good, though. Wouldn't mind some take out if it's not a big deal.
What's in it, anyway? It's got a unique taste, whatever it is. If it's exclusive to the city I'll be pissed.
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[ He’ll hop up here, then, and head over to the truck. It’s close enough to the bench he can still see Add, so he’ll still hear Mizuki in his head. ]
It has soy sauce, sesame oil, ginger, salmon, my tentacles, lime juice and lemongrass!
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What was that fifth item? [his... tentacles?????]
... Oh. You mean, like, the slime that comes off it, right? If you cook with your hands you'll get sweat and dead skin on the parts you touch, but it's not enough to be noticeable when it comes to humans...
[it's like that... right???]
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But, to demonstrate, he puts one of his goopy, black tendrils on the cutting board, with a color that’s more akin to car oil, and a faint shimmering that almost looked like stars. It’d be pretty if there wasn’t something inherently unsettling about it. It’s only a second later that he brings the knife down and severs it without even flinching. He holds it up afterwards. ]
No, like this.
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