mooninthewater | Come Sail Away IC Inbox

[ well he had said 'those people should be snuffed out in turn' and then said it was referring to himself... that was worrying, and the look on mizuki's face.

his hand finds mizuki's again, a squeeze. ] Mizuki, do you possibly imagine I would say yes?

The answer is no, if you're talking about yourself. If we're talking about others, I suppose I can't quite say. I don't like making judgment calls, you already know that.

[ what mizuki had done--maybe judgment depends on the person. maybe a relative of one of those dead pirates would never forgive mizuki. maybe someone versed in law could decide that even in self defense, torture is never justified. these are domains that freedom doesn't quite touch. ]

I want to believe in you and trust you. ... That's my form of love.

Well, I didn't think so! But, I'm not a mind reader! I just had to make sure... [ It's his fault for being so weird about his wording. ] I don't think what I did was wrong.

[ He has some different feelings about it now, admittedly. Before, his argument would be "They're going to die anyway, so what does it matter that I tortured them a bit?" But now that he's here on this ship, and sees how the Captain is treating everyone, he's pretty sure the Captain has that same mentality, and it's a little sickening. So, Mizuki understands that much now…

But, uh, the difference there is that they're obviously not evil people? So, he'll make an amendment to his argument: "They're fucking terrible and they deserved to feel pain before they died." Mizuki thinks this is a fine argument and not wrong at all. He doesn't have time to bring that part up, though, since, once again, "love" is brought up from Venti. It gives him a little bit of pause, and his speeds up a little so he can stand in front of Venti and stop them both from walking for a moment. ]

I want to believe and trust in you, too, you know. [ This isn't what Venti is implying, at all, and Mizuki knows this, but he feels like now's a good of a time as any to bring it up. After all, Mizuki's already kind of ruined this date once. What's a little more fucking up? ] And, I think that most of me does, but there's a cautious part that… doesn't want to get hurt again. I didn't think nothing of that time you told me you kissed someone else, because I didn't think we were dating then or anything, but when put into context of what you did with Clarke, too, it… it also suddenly hurt a lot, too.

…

I just need you to talk to me a little more. Even if you think it'll upset me, I want to know what's on your mind, you know? If there's someone you want, if there's something you want to do, how you're feeling… I want to know.

[ faults and fuck-ups here lie with one person and it's the one secretive bastard who doesn't quite speak his mind and it's not mizuki. good communication, with venti? not quite, maybe ever.

he stops as well, takes this in with slight surprise, with the turn of topic he hadn't expected but also hadn't broached. and there's his own growing realization that he's been far too careless of others' feelings and yet he's cautious still of sharing his own. truths and dares are all fun and well but maybe the truths behind the truths could be crueller still, that he'd leave unsaid. i want to trust you but i'm not sure if i entirely do. you can say you want to be with me but it can't be that easy. i know what you think of me but i can never be--

asking anything of the wind that very easily leaves. but he should talk about clarke, shouldn't he. ]

I wasn't with her to hurt you. [ quietly, eyes lowering. inconsiderate as he is, selfish as he is, he's not that cruel. the selfishness of the wind that can sometimes barely be weighted down by others, even the feelings of those he cares about, when he's used to those feelings and those people disappearing. ] I won't excuse myself, I'm sorry that I did. But... I told you about faith. That night when I visited her, I hadn't realized that I wanted--that I missed it. And hers is... it felt...

[ the potency of a wish for power, the fierceness of it, rather than prayers for freedom and liberation and safety. nobody quite gave faith to barbatos for power before. it'd been almost a shock that he'd felt it, that she'd offered it and then herself.

if there's something he wants--the wind picks up around him in a brief whirl; for a blink, his eyes fix with the glow of the sky. ]

I might want to show her to worship me.

[ and more. ]

[ …

Mizuki falls silent. It's not like he didn't expect this, but isn't it so hard to brace yourself to hear this? It's funny, too. It just haaad to be Clarke, didn't it? If Venti had picked anyone else, he's so sure that it would've been mostly okay. Like if it were Jinx somehow? Some pangs of jealousy he needed to work through, some possessive actions he'd stop midway from doing, a couple little off-hand comments he'd apologize for, but overall, okay in the end. But Clarke? Clarke, Clarke, Clarke, his hero? Clarke, his commander? ~~Clarke, his obsession?~~

Now everything is mixing in a nasty little cocktail of sludgy, toxic grossness. There's those feelings that he could probably get over if this were someone else. That jealousy that someone is giving something to Venti that he can't. That possessiveness that insists that he can do that, too — that Venti doesn't need another one to do that thing because Mizuki will do it instead. Once again, thoughts that he's prepared to swallow down under any other circumstance, but there's new feelings here, and it's overwhelming. The feeling of uselessness. How can he earn Clarke's attention if he's competing with a literal God? How can he show his loyalty and strength and usefulness if Venti can easily do Mizuki's job? The feeling of misery. Out of the dozens upon dozens of people on this boat, did it absolutely have to be the person he chose? The person he's deemed the valiant person who's going to get them off the boat? It all just mashes together, and those feelings he's so prepared to swallow just come right back up and pour out his mouth before he's able to stop it. ]

Does it have to be her?

[ Unneeded. Unwanted. Unusable.

…

Unloved. ]

No, no, that makes sense. [ Mizuki is staring at the floor, the walls, his hands, the glass in his tentacle, anything but Venti. ] I-I just- [ He should talk about what's on his mind, too, shouldn't he? But he can tell he's losing grip on himself, so maybe he shouldn't? He might say something wrong or bad or scary, but with the mania setting in, he has no idea what fits those definitions anymore. ] She is- She's my "Hero," you know? I-I mean to follow her command, her order, her will. [ But what can he offer her, really? Venti can do so much. Fly, control the wind, even make his own decisions. Mizuki? He can eat people. And he can't even do that right when the Captain is apparently inedible. And all he's done is fuck up. Threw her to Jenny's ship and left her there despite her yelling. Stayed on Ebalon's side despite her protest. ]

… I told you this, didn't I? [ Why are you hurting me like this? ] No, nononono, stop it. [ He pulls on the longer parts of his hair, trying to get himself to focus. Don't think like that! ] O-ooof course you think that, that's o-okay. Th-This feels like a cruel joke…

…

[ He perks up. Unnaturally so, like someone had just flipped a switch, and that unnerving, dangerous tone he had started to get into is replaced with nothing but sunshine and sweetness. ]

No, that's okay! Of course! You're both very important to me, and she is very perfect, isn't she? Of course you would! Who wouldn't want her to be their hero~? [ ~~He needs a new hero.~~ ] This works out, actually! I'm glad you picked someone else I care dearly for, it's sort of like we're all together, in a sense~. Peas in a pod, all that stuff!!

[ ~~So why does everything hurt?~~ ]

[ even a fool like him can't possibly buy that.

'does it have to be her' well what can he say to that? he's heard the prayers of his country for thousands of years. farmers praying for good harvests, sailors for fair weather, young men and women for love. during the cataclysm, mondstadt cried out to him to save them from abyssal beasts--

kaeya and diluc and razor are here but he had never demanded or asked of his countrymen to believe in him. clarke knew what he was and who he is--unreliable, flighty, weak in all honesty and yet had dropped to her knees and something inside him cracked. he could pretend to be human for thousands of years but he can't quite deny what he is, a god, and gods are empowered by followers, and she is...

'perfect' mizuki calls her.

the invisible whisper of the wind might agree. but he doesn't say aloud as mizuki clutches at his hair, he reaches to mizuki's hands to try to hold him before he could possibly tear or hurt himself like he had before. ]

Mizuki.

[ his name, while trying to take his hands or wrists. fully expecting mizuki to pull away like before. almost about to say something, before he seems to change his mind and what he asks instead, ]

What would you like me to do?

[ not to be with her? he'd tried to avoid her all throughout camp, he'd felt like a disaster simply looking at her in her counselor's outfit. the primal wind of who he is coils when wind would fly and flow where it would, would be drawn to those that capture a god's attention. jinx. mizuki. clarke. clarke who had caught the attention of mizuki and even gods and gods adjacent, the captain, friday, jenny--and venti, from exactly the moment he saw her as well.

it already hurts to avoid jinx. he cares so much for mizuki. but it must be damning of him that their relationship feels like a tie going taut, to a creature loath to be restrained. ]

[ Surprisingly, he doesn't pull away. Instead, he just lets his hair go and slips his his hands down to hold Venti's hands in turn. He even wiggles his fingers to thread them with Venti's and everything. See? Everything's okay. He's cute and polite and nothing else matters. He's silencing the voices in his head, and opting just to do the opposite of what they're telling him to do, despite the fact they're getting even more guttural. More possessive. More and more eldritch in nature. ]

Whatever makes you happy. Is that not what I said love is earlier~? Do not worry about me, my windchime. You need to pursue that which makes you happiest.

[ Bite him, choke him, remind him he's yours. Sting him, tell him you love him more than anyone else ever will, make him stay put for once in his life. Thoughts that get louder and louder and he needs someway to shut. them. up. ]

Besides, at the end of the day, I'm with you forever and ever, aren't I~?

[ Right right right, his his his, forever forever forever. Whatever playthings he has in the interim doesn't matter. ]

[ it must be damning of him that 'forever' sounds almost like the click of a lock. and yet at the same time it's what he wants desperately, someone with him forever, someone who wouldn't leave him, mizuki who sounds so much like--

something cold crawls up his spine when mizuki holds his hands. his fingers twitch, then he accepts the clasp, he squeezes back, he lets out a shaking breath as he leans in to rest his forehead to mizuki's while nearly every nerve of him whispers at him to fly away. ]

You say that you want to know what's on my mind, what I'm feeling, what I want. I... I'm probably bad at sharing that. I know that I probably haven't shared much of myself. I'd rather help you, if only I can. [ help, in almost any way except for--

giving himself, even if he barely knows who he really is. for so long he clung to this twisted borrowed identity. the primal wind of who he is is free, he can't belong to anyone, he can barely compromise himself. as if chained to that undefinable ideal of 'freedom'. ]

What I want is... I wish to make you happy. I've been so bad at it. [ in a whisper, as he stares into mizuki's eyes with the unblinking blue glow of the sky. ] I wish I can trust what you're saying right now, but I can't.

[ the feeling like a weight slowly pressing on his back, his wings. he's loath to obey. he bristles against expectations. he'd instinctively break against restraints, even in a relationship. wind that can't be owned by anyone or near anything in the world (except one person long gone). ]

Edited 2022-07-01 02:14 (UTC)

Hm? But I am being honest. [ Mildly. Obviously, there's still some things he's hiding, but he truly does just want Venti to be happy. At the cost of his own happiness? No, of course he doesn't want that, but he knows his own happiness is incredibly hard to achieve. Especially when he is so… like this. He stares back into Venti's pretty, pretty eyes, lovingly, adoring, dangerous. Animalistic, carnivorous, primal. Sea jellies themselves may not be known to be so terrifying, but perhaps this comes less from his jelly nature and more from that abyssal one.

At the very least, despite the feral undertones, the love seems genuine. Does that make it better? Debatable. ]

You do make me happy, my love. I don't expect you to be "good" at this. We're bound to run into problems occasionally, is that not part of love? [ ~~Unless you're name is Ebalon, then problems happen like Once and then are immediately fixed because he's a weirdly good boyfriend.~~ ]

Don't you see? I would do aaa~ny~thing~ to see you smile. So, so, so, you just keep talking to me about these things, okay? I just need to know, I just want to be special to you. If there's something I can do for you, too, just let me know, okay? You'll do that?

[ Desperation is such a terrible combination with all the Everything Mizuki has going on. ]

[ it's not too late to dump him. find some way to uninstall the virus that is liking venti and just cut him off, everyone will be all the happier for it, guaranteed. this tension between unstoppable flightiness and immovable clinginess can only result in so much struggle.

there's a long moment in which he just considers what to do. his mind whirls. his hand squeezes to mizuki's again, he lets out another breath, then summons a small smile. ] Then, Mizuki...

Can I be with you tonight? To show you how special you are to me. If I could spend the night with you, that's what would make me happy. [ it would, really. or, it would if it could possibly soothe mizuki, even a little. he'd been hesitant to be affectionate with mizuki ever since mizuki had reacted so badly to, of course, him and clarke, so understandably so. but mizuki isn't pulling away now, mizuki's smile surely is fake but mizuki is clasping his hand and mizuki isn't lashing out or trying to hurt himself. ]

It's been a while since I've even kissed you, and I miss it.

Could I?

[ It is too late to dump him. Mizuki is Attached. Venti's best bet to the dump Mizuki instead before he ends up dealing with whatever the fuck is going on with Mizuki. Venti might be wind and be able to fly away from situations, but it's hard to truly rid of Mizuki's sludge, isn't it? Sticky, yucky, disgusting, suffocating. He's placated for now, though, at the promise of spending more time together. ]

Oh? Of course you can~! [ As if he'd say no. They'd spent enough nights together by now, though! Maybe not since the Clarke thing, sure, but Mizuki is perfectly happy with spending nights with Venti again. Cuddles and kisses are a requirement, after all.

Speaking of kisses- ] Did you? [ But he seemed so against it at camp? ] I would never turn down a kiss, actually. You needn't even ask.

[ he'd held back from kissing mizuki maybe... not quite out of guilt, maybe even out of some slight fear that mizuki would push him away, when mizuki had pulled away from little casually flirty touches to knee and during archery. when those are questionable, surely kissing would be too, right?

his look is a little uncertain, the glow to his eyes fade as he searches mizuki's face as if to ascertain how sincere he is. then carefully draws in close to kiss him, light and brief, almost tentative.

and if allowed, even in that moment would he just barely relax. it's true enough, he'd been serious enough, he missed kissing mizuki. he missed that affection. ]

[ It's true. Mizuki had felt like they needed the space, needed some time to figure out his own feelings, because in the moment, he was absolutely too afraid of touching Venti. Too afraid of his own emotions, too afraid of everything spilling out, too afraid of being unloved. Even now, that fear settles in, but it is overwhelmed by those feelings he'd been trying to stifle for weeks now. A feeling of jealousy and clinging. A feeling of desperation and need. Hunger. Hunger, hunger, hunger. But a different sort than the kind Mizuki is used to. It's something new, something a little more grabbing than usual.

Though, he supposes, he does have that feeling that he could eat Venti, too.

No, no, no he couldn't. Even if it meant they truly ~~could be together??~~ Stopstopstop. Whoof. He's okay. He's good. This kiss is nice. He returns it so sweetly. He missed this, he missed Venti. That much is genuine. He does want this affection. Craves it. Needs it. Some sense of touch and affection that he so, so, so longingly needs. And he's not pushing this down anymore. He could convince himself that it doesn't matter what happens, who Venti likes, what Venti does, because he'll be the one who's always there for Venti. And perhaps, someday, Venti can love him? Really, really love him?

…

If he can't, maybe it's okay to resort to something a little more drastic. ]

[ s-sure... it's okay... ever since learning about mizuki's potentially humanitarian diet he's been lowkey wondering if he keeps upsetting him it would just result in being a meal someday. is it love if he could be this uncertain about the idea of it? love to trust that mizuki won't, love to believe that he'd deserve it if mizuki does, love to potentially accept it, just maybe, if he doesn't fly. he's actually this serious about not leaving mizuki anymore, for better or worse. a wind resolved not to leave the toxic sea predator deep in the water even at risk of drowning and cannibalism.

is that love?

a forced and genuine truth might doom him if he were to say and answer, but for now he could kiss chastely and then draw back with a sigh, letting go of one hand so he could simply brush mizuki's cheek with his palm, tuck hair behind his ear. mizuki self-injuring himself is actually one of his foremost concerns. he would hover around him even as wind simply to make sure he wouldn't, even if venti weren't in view. ]

... Let's go to the clinic then turn in for the night, all right?

[ Well, it's certainly a kind of love! Definitely not a healthy kind, but truly this is the sort of thing Venti needs to consider before repeatedly shoving knives into the heart of said toxic sea predator. Yet all the same, Venti truly loves these knives!

Mizuki hugs Venti all the same when he pulls away, giving a little smile. Venti's so warm. So kind to be worried about him. He keeps telling them to stop worrying, to stop fretting, that Mizuki can take care of himself, yet all the same, Mizuki feels so warm when they worry regardless. It's a form a love, isn't it? To care that much about someone? Even when Mizuki says he's okay?

…

It takes him a moment to let go of Venti before he's taking his hand again and dragging him off to the clinic. ]

Yes, yes. We'll get that hang of yours properly cleaned and bandaged, okay?

[ . . . ] My hand? [ a shallow enough cut that he absolutely hadn't even registered it. it's too bad a shard didn't fly and cut his throat. ]

I mean, to cut... your tentacle, if you still want to. Unless it could possibly be salvaged.

[ which he does hope for, because the thought of amputation still makes him uneasy. but he follows along to the clinic door, peering inside with the rather obvious air of someone who would have little to no idea at all what to do about amputating anything, he's a musician not a doctor... his utility is this useless. ]

Well, that too, of course! But that'll only take but a moment. Your hand, though, comes first. Just to make sure it doesn't get infected any! I mean, I doubt it would, but we should at least wrap it up, okay?

[ And, of course, Mizuki moves about the infirmary very easily the moment they're inside, with the confidence of someone who's been in here too many times before. Perhaps because he has? Maybe working for a pharmaceutical company just leaves you predisposed to these sorts of things. He pulls out some disinfectant and gauze, along with some bandages and… you know, it isn't as if he's expecting there to be a bone saw or something lying around, but it really would just be better if he had a flaying knife to cut his tentacle off. ]

I mean, I could probably take all the glass pieces out piece by piece, but there's no telling if there's any imbedded in it, so this is just the best option. [ He'll just use a scalpel for it. He leaves that out on the table and turns to Venti first, dumping a bit of disinfectant on the gauze and reaching out. ]

This might sting a little. Give me your hand?

[ he'd look at mizuki's glass-pierced tentacle (well he would if he wouldn't get assaulted with psychic damage) and then look at the pathetic little cut on his hand and... what priorities are these, really?? ] I promise that I'm fine. I didn't even notice this, but on the other hand you're this casual about cutting off a limb...!

[ still, he offers his hand for mizuki to treat, more to humor him than anything else. he's an ex-god, he's rather hardier than an ordinary human being anyway. though he supposes neither of them count as such. ]

Mizuki, you really are kind to worry so much. But I feel that you brush off me worrying about you...

I'd feel better if I could try to take care of you too. Or if you could care about yourself more as well.

[ Mizuki doesn’t know how much to convey it is truly not a big deal to Venti. He hums in thought for a moment as he carefully dabs the wet gauze against him, making sure once more that there’s no other openings on Venti before he dresses his hand fully, leaving him with a little kiss against his hand. ]

Think of it less as cutting a limb off and more as cutting hair. It’s basically like that. Young cnidarians would often get their tentacles tangled in rocks and the easiest way to get them loose was simply by cutting away the tangled parts. I promise it’ll be back to normal in a week or two tops.

And it’s not like I don’t have a couple dozen more.

If you're really certain... [ but he can't quite hide the smallest smile when mizuki kisses his hand, he leans in close to return one to mizuki's cheek. ] If the glass had cut your arm or anywhere else, it'd be a lot more serious. So I'd feel better if you could try to be careful.

Is there anything I can do to help?

Well, this was me being careful. In an attempt to protect us, I thought this was the path of least harm, though, you still ended up getting hurt… [ A thumb runs over the bandage. ] One day, I’ll be good enough that I’ll be able to protect you properly, and you’ll never be hurt again.

[ And, maybe, Mizuki won’t hurt him, either. Maybe he’ll be good enough someday that he’s never tempted, and he can be a good boyfriend. He knows he’s not there yet, though. Not even close. ]

Hm? You mean to help me? Not really. I don’t want you to look at it, so it’s best you probably just don’t watch.

[ that sure makes sense enough. honestly, it's really at times like these that he could wish (or often) that he himself had more useful skills than simply wind. even when wind is his origin and wind could be so flexible and explorative, he sure can't use it to pour wine. he'd injured mizuki, who tried to protect them. this time there's a bit of heat to his face from shame as he lets out a breath, and even still mizuki is still saying something like this. ]

You've been in more danger than I have. Even at Jenny's ship, even at the island. [ he'd been the one to fall at the beach to gunfire like that... venti's fingers twitch; he draws back, closes his eyes. ] I won't say that you've needed rescuing or protection, but it might just be...

But that's why you should call for me, when you're in danger. I'll protect you, too. [ in the meantime, he doesn't suppose mizuki could protect him from a falling moon. actually, the fear he doesn't want to acknowledge is that mizuki wouldn't care.

... he offers a hand to him, eyes closed almost trustingly. mizuki could cut his limb, then. he'll just offer support like this. ]

… [ It’s true. One of his main uses is that he makes for an excellent assassin. Silent, quick, blends in with the shadows, strong and punishes enemies for their missteps… yet during his time on the Serena Eterna, he’s exhibited none of this. Sans maybe his fight with Rafaela, but he doesn’t want to count that. ] I’ve just been careless. I’m going to get better, you’ll see. There’ll come a time when I’ll be [ a hero. ] strong enough to protect those I care about indefinitely.

[ He might just be able to stop a moon from falling on Venti, though only because he could probably make Ebalon stop and nothing more. It’s not like he particularly enjoyed seeing Venti die that way. Fortunately, at the time, he looked like Mizuki, so it was much easier for him to disconnect “Venti” from that moment, but… even his thoughts of whatever pain he may want to inflict on Venti occasionally is mixed in with that urge to protect. That want to keep those he loves dearly safe and never hurt them.

…

He can’t hold Venti’s hand with one of his own and cut his stinger off, so Venti just gets one of his other tendrils coiling around his hand, the tip of it twisting around his thumb and playfully tapping the joints as Mizuki moves over to set his glass-filled stinger on the table. He would normally be careful in these sorts of situations, but he truly does just take the scalpel and slices quickly and cleanly down, like he’s chopping the head off a dead fish rather than cutting away an appendage. ]

I believe you. [ and, he actually does. he does have a considerable amount of faith in mizuki, just... perhaps less so in certain decision making. ah and there's a tentacle...

well this is fine too. even with his natural aversion towards sliminess, it might just be he's getting used to the sensation of this, in an odd way. who knows if he could ever learn to like it or anything, but he really is trying to put in effort not to shy away now. there's only a brief wince, then--actually, a small giggle as he feels it tap at his fingers, unexpectedly something of the motion is a little charming. all right, he'll hold hands with tentacle.

and then there's the rather organic or slippery sound of mizuki presumably cutting into the other limb, that's a little unnerving to hear. he hums an idle melody, oasis, as if to tune that out a little more. ]

[ Fortunately, it is over fairly quickly and painlessly, so Benti doesn’t have to hear too much of the noises for too long. Mizuki even pulls out a sterilized bag that he can put it in until he can figure out what to do with it later. Probably in the morning? He can just leave it in his room in the meantime.

…

Except, he’s not immediately scooping it into his bag, just staring at it instead. Technically, if he… if he ate this, it would get rid of it. Furthermore… Mizuki is… “evil,” isn’t he? And if Mizuki has to go through such lengths to hide it so it doesn’t hurt people…

…

He doesn’t say anything for a while. He’s just listening to Venti and getting lost in his thoughts. ]

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❝ Hmm? What's up? ❞

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cw possessive shit again

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