mooninthewater | Come Sail Away IC Inbox

[ Congrats to Venti for being able to finally experience what first love is like for Actual People. This includes being giddy constantly for no reason, being embarrassed about little things because feelings are so much (even after making love!), and much, much more! No refunds. You're stuck with this.

Mizuki, meanwhile, is just as giddy, as Venti truly is his first love, and he has to look away with a few dumb giggles, bashful and adoring. ] We could… I'd be okay with that.

[ A perfectly innocent shower! That can be done, surely. ]

[ venti's actual first love was. ........ well, this might be a second love for him, he only hopes it could end or last better than the first.

and if this thread is not pg-13 i will personally kill him. actually, as tempting as the idea is something else occurs to him though, ] Ah, but...

It's water, so we'd be affected by truth or lies. I don't mind telling the truth, but if we both lie it'd be rather awkward.

[ Mizuki simply nods, even if… well, lying would be very funny to him. His very first experience with the curse was to hear Ebalon very lovingly say "I hate you" to Mizuki, so he's pretty sure he'd laugh if Venti were on that curse as well. Buuuut ~~for Iva's sanity~~ because Mizuki actually doesn't feel comfortable forcing truths from Venti, even if accidentally, he's more likely to not want to risk the truths happening. ]

Then… we can probably just… go, if you'd like? I can put on some fresh clothes and wash after we eat? [ Dumb water curse… ]

That works for me. [ meanwhile venti's first encounter with the spell was... questionable. he is someone who rather vaguely admires truthful people, just with the doubt that he could be one of them. anyway, time to go put on clothes then, with a sigh as a wind furls around him, the faint scent of cecilia. ]

I did say, a while ago, that I wouldn't mind if I could talk truthfully with you. I'd still... I might like to do that, if you'd want to too.

[ Mizuki sits upright as Venti gets up to put on clothes. They can be a little gross today? There are tons of people on the ship that haven't bathed in weeks because of the curse, so it's not much worse than that. Things weren't horribly messy, anyway! Besides, Mizuki can't go that long without water as it is, so it's not like he'll be dirty for long.

He doesn't immediately move, lazily just reaching his tentacles across the room to pull over some shorts to the bed. He's mildly distracted also by staring at Venti's butt? Don't worry about this. Normal boyfriend things. ]

Hmm… you can certainly do that. Without the curse, though, I think. Forcing stuff like that out of you might be worse on your conscious. Not being in control of your own voice and the words you say and the thoughts you have is scary, isn't it? [ Coming from someone who has his thoughts always filtered through that of an eldritch god — shit sucks. ]

[ venti is probably flat as a board butt-wise because he sucks so bad and doesn't deserve anything good in life. until maybe he moves on and changes form someday in the future.

to someone with a fat ass, if he can be less of an ass. ]

I'm not sure if 'scary' is the word, exactly. [ how does he put this? he thinks of it a moment, while also keeping his back to mizuki like he had when he was a wisp, trying to be at least a little courteous again rather than annoying. ]

When you'd confessed to me you hadn't even known I'd been seeing you as a... a second chance. I don't think of you as that now. But it's a little painful, and... [ it's the reason mizuki speaks like this now, just because of his own difficulty. ] There are things you should still know about me I still haven't told. Probably, things I'd still be reluctant to say even if I try to.

[ Unlike Venti, Mizuki doesn't much care about how flat Venti's ass is. Besides, he's less thinking "Damn, hot," and more "hehehe butt" because Mizuki is childish as fuck. Still, though, after he's dragged some clothes over to the bed, he finally rolls out to get dressed, a small hum in thought at Venti's explanation. ]

That's… fair, I suppose. But part of the process of telling things about yourself is simultaneously having the faith in yourself and me to handle it. If you cannot say those things, and you use a truth curse or spell to pull it out of you, that's not something you've told me based on trust. It is just force. And it doesn't… Even if it's the truth, even if it's something you're willing to do, it doesn't build any trust, it only questions it.

Does that make sense?

[ Blah blah psychology, blah blah faith, blah blah curses. Mizuki was fine being under the truth spell himself because he… doesn't have anything to hide. Anything he'd say under it are things he may say normally, sans the random unhinged comment here or there… ]

[ does he have faith in himself? or in mizuki?

.........

another instance in which maybe he won't say what he's really thinking, then--part of it. ] That I'd like to do this might be that I trust you more than I trust myself. Sometimes or maybe often, when it matters, truth might be more important than trust anyway. Knowing that I've hidden things from you, you still trusted me. It hurt you, because you thought you liked me. [ what he thought venti was. ]

Wouldn't it have been better for you if you knew what kind of person I was, what I had been thinking from the very beginning? I'd been the one nearly using you all this time, selfishly.

…You think truth is more important than trust? [ It's not this way for Mizuki. And, really, Venti should know that much, considering that time when Venti asked him if he wanted to know what the doctor's at home were hiding from him, his response was "I trust they didn't tell me for a reason". Having faith in people is, perhaps ironically, a big thing for Mizuki. Being able to believe in someone and their intentions… Mizuki always wants to believe in his loved ones. It's why he's having such a hard time with Clarke lately — it's a loyalty that's faltered. He still loves her, he still cares about her, he still wants to be her friend, but if asked if he trusted her… he might not say no, but he wouldn't really say yes, either.

Though, he supposes that he can understand Venti's way of thinking, too. That he trusts Mizuki enough to want to do this, and that it's in himself that he doesn't trust. But… ] Even so… it's still important to believe in yourself, too, dearest. Leaping over that hurdle is the sort of thing that eases your worries and can help you in the future, too.

Besides, I… I'd been… I've changed since I've been here, too. [ Beat. ] When I'd arrived on the ship, I didn't have a very high opinion of myself. I was… almost seeking the need to be useful. Ever since I… Since before, uhm… [ Well, since his family and mother died, really, though it's hard to say for sure when he started having this mindset. ] For a long time now, I'd thought being useful was how you earned love. If I had known why you were hanging around me then, I very well might have just continued to allow you to use me as you wanted to…

[ does he think truth is greater than trust? ] If I really had to say, I think... it's if you know the truth of things that you could trust yourself to make your own choices, or to trust who or what you would. Not that it could be so easy to discover those truths, and that might be why this spell is such an opportunity.

[ though, it comes with a 50/50 and that's the rub. and there's a small smile, a sigh as he turns to simply lean to mizuki's shoulder, a point of contact there. and maybe his hand would again seek mizuki's. ]

... So even if you had that truth, you didn't have trust in yourself and you'd let me use you.

We might've had a similar problem, just maybe. [ that mizuki trusted others more than himself. that venti didn't have faith in his true self, when he faked and disguised and pretended and wore a friend's face and form. ] The truths of me are may be that I'm weak and unreliable and selfish. You probably wouldn't have thought that of me when we'd just talk and I could sing idly. But I always wish that others could trust in themselves and their own strengths.

I wished that of you, I really wanted that of you from the very beginning. [ because it might be what he loved most, from his friend. ] ... I still do. [ and an unspoken truth: 'even if it means we aren't together'. ]

A curse is far from an opportunity, Venti. It's meant to cause trouble, you know.

[ Mizuki turns his head a bit to kiss the top of Venti's head and then leans his own head into him. A brief silence picks up for a moment as Mizuki lets this ruminate. He's sort of figured all this, to be fair. Venti has such high ideals of freedom, and in turn, independence, which Mizuki is severely lacking in. But, for now, he laces their fingers together once Venti finds his hand and sighs a bit. ]

I think maybe… you are a bit hard on yourself. Which makes sense. You were put into a role you did not want and suddenly meant to be a symbol for a people you cared about. I can't… fathom how that must have been. I feel… in your shoes, I would be afraid… to let them down. To not be what they needed me to be. [ … He closes his eyes. ] Though, I suppose I feel like that already, so that's just a projection, really. My point being, though, that I don't think you're weak or unreliable or selfish. I believe that maybe sometimes you can be some of those things, but… that's true of anyone. You are kind and compassionate and your strength comes from that.

And as for me, I… [ Well, Mizuki's certainly taken steps, some forwards, some backwards, and he's very aware of himself now because of it, but it's still a long shot from where he's meant to be. He knows that much, too. Does he want to be independent? Yes, of course he does. But, he's stuck in this muddy middle ground of not wanting to give up that drive for connection, too. He wants the best of both worlds, so to speak — intimate connection and guidance from dependency and the reliability of being independent. ] I… I don't know if… I'll ever be as much as you want me to be.

[ he was exactly afraid of that much. and that might be exactly why he flew away from that responsibility and nearly entirely disappeared, seemingly abandoning mondstadt. but he never would really, to that country his friend died for. yet the option or future now might be never seeing it again.

he turns to wrap his arms around mizuki, eyes falling closed. another unsaid truth: at times he could do this and imagine... he'll slowly, slowly learn how to move on. 2000 years of mourning and attachment is difficult to break. ]

You don't have to be what I want. I know that from the very beginning, a lot about you troubled me. But even back then, I said I wanted to trust you to make the right choices... or, as right as anything could be here.

I might and did falter in that, but I want to believe in you still. Whether you believe in yourself or not. I always admired peoples' independence but there's much that I admire about you too, you know... and I shouldn't force freedom on people, that defeats the purpose. I wouldn't demand or ask it of you.

[ ... ] But if anything, maybe I could ask of you another kiss?

[ "A lot about you troubled me," he says, and Mizuki is well aware. From his flinches when he touches Venti, from his hesitation, from the way the wind that seems to stir when he's afraid, from the "I need a drink"s when Mizuki says something that may not be more socially acceptable… he can tell. Even if he's not the brightest person, even an idiot can figure that much out. He remembers how put off Venti was when he confirmed to him that Mizuki ate monsters. He remembers him saying that he couldn't judge "evil" like that. He remembers feeling so estranged from Venti in that moment. But to Mizuki, when he did those things, that was the right thing to do?

But, at least that is something he can talk to Venti about later, if it ever comes up again. What he's really focused on is… more worrying to Mizuki. ]

… Venti. [ He does lean in to lock their lips together for a brief, tender moment. He looks a little somber when he pulls away, however. ] Do you think you'd still love me, even if it turns out I… I can't… ever fully have my sense of self back? I-if I… I go against your ideals so much, won't you grow to hate me…?

[ he kisses back softly, a hum of satisfaction, then a tilt of his head in curiosity at the question. which seems a little out of left field but it seems it must be troubling mizuki. ]

You mean... if you remain the way you are now? Of course I still love you.

What do you think it'd possibly take for me to hate you? I'm not sure if I have it in me to hate anyone. [ not even decarabian, who killed his friend. not even the captain, not even ebalon, that's just distrust. hate is a strong word... it didn't really occur to him until now, maybe he hasn't quite hated anyone in his life. ]

[ He realize that sounds silly. If he stays the same as his is and Venti loves him, then there’s no reason for that to change. Duh. That makes sense. But, also, right now he’s not going on one of his evil vs. good rants. Right now he’s not being needlessly obsessed. Right now he’s not insatiably hungry. He’s not biting out of anxiety. He’s not manic. But he can be those things, and is Venti really okay with those parts of him? ]

Because I… I can’t give you what you want… [ Worship. Prayer. He can give him devotion and an almost soldier-like obedience if asked, but those first two things are… dangerous. ] And I trouble you sometimes. A-and… I’m just… worried.

You’ve given me a lot already. I’m not sure what else there is… and, I’m not a very demanding type.

It’s fairer to say I haven’t given you what you want, probably. [ being bitten. ‘oneness’, whatever that really means… he already knows it’s more likely that ebalon gives far more than what venti could ever offer. it might be his nature, he doesn’t ask much of others.

and he doesn’t give a lot of himself, as fractured and unreliable as his self is. ]

What are you worried about?

[ Mizuki would get all huffy and flick Venti for comparing him to Ebalon again. Stop that. He doesn't know how to properly convey that he loves Venti any more than he already has, and even then, it's clearly not enough. ]

You have given me what I want. [ Realistically, all the rest of that is… unnecessary. Biting is a comfort. Oneness can be replaced by a sense of belonging. All Mizuki really, really wants is to be loved. To be loved, and not just to be useful.

As for what he's worried about, he… hesitates to answer. There's a lot! He knows a good majority of it is because his anxiety is very irrational. But it's hard to ignore it when it's putting so many thoughts in his head at once.

I'll hurt Venti. I've thought about it before. Who's to say it won't happen again?
He'll get bored of me. He'll see me for a monster. He's going to leave me.
He's going to realize that my possessiveness and clinginess will never go away and I'll scare him off for good.
What if he wants religious devotion more than anything? What if I'm a second choice because I'm afraid of giving that to him?
Someone better than me is going to come along and I'll just be cast aside because I'm not being useful anymore.

His rational side can argue back to these thoughts enough that he doesn't voice any of them, but… boy, sometimes it just wears you down to have these sorts of things rattling around in your head all the time. ]

I just want to be good enough for you. Good enough t-to… be something worth your decision to not go back home. [ He squeezes Venti, pressing their foreheads together, but even this comfort isn't quite enough to quell his sudden shaking. ] Because I… want you to stay with me. I don't want you to forget. But… what if I can't make you that happy? What if you realize I'm not worth it…?

[ bro that wasn't even self-deprecating comparison, it's just matter of fact. he knows what kind of person he is. he knows his own many shortcomings, he knows it's possible or even likely that he might not be fit to be in a relationship until 50 years of therapy or more. to be victim blamey this is on mizuki.

to be not victim blamey...

there's a longer moment where he looks to mizuki and doesn't say anything at all. even after saying it yesterday, if he really has to think of that choice again... his heart hurts. simultaneous guilt and hope and misery and homesickness stings at his eyes. his country, his past and ever-present and what he assumed was his future. there are times he'd sit in the hands of his statue and close his eyes and imagine one day in the far off future when mondstadt might lose faith or forget about him completely and he might let go of his human form and disappear back into wind if he doesn't erode and lose his sense of self entirely. he escorts the spirits of his countrymen back to their homeland to rest, he thought he would join them there when the end came. he was born a strand of wind of mondstadt, he assumed he would fade back into a wind of mondstadt too. he loves his country with that devastating attachment a thousand poems or stories or ballads couldn't truly capture. the dedication of nearly three thousand years of existence. the god's love for every single person, every child, every flower and deer and river and cliffside and insect and blade of grass in mondstadt. all the faith he doesn't have in himself, he has for mondstadt. if or when there was an afterlife, if he could meet the millions of his countrymen there, if he could meet...

he knows mizuki for about four months. he loves him dearly but in a decision between mizuki and mondstadt--

he embraces him again. ]

I want to tell you you're worth it. That I won't regret it, that things will be all right. [ ... ] Will you hate me if I can't?

But, [ there's this, ] I still want to try, with you. I really do. I'm not reliable enough to promise anything with such unshakeable certainty, you know that of me, but I want... I want to be with you.

[ Comparing yourself to another, in essence, is a form of self-deprecation. Even if you don't mean it to be. Also, 🔪.

~~He may have only known Mizuki for about four months, but is that really all that different from how long he's known his friend?~~

Once again, though, Venti's managed to give Mizuki something that means the world to him and made him so overwhelmingly elated… and just like that, taken it away. The offer to stay with him over Mondstadt doesn't just mean that he wants to be with Mizuki — not to the sea jelly, anyway. To him, it means "You are the most important thing in my life." It means "I know you can make me the happiest I've ever been." It means… "I love you." It's why he had froze up at the admission. He hadn't consciously realized it, but he has, in fact, somewhat doubted Venti's feelings for him. Not fully, but there's that anxious thought of "maybe he doesn't love me." That thought has mostly died since their last date, of course, but to have actual proof of love beyond just words…

— But Mizuki is also well aware that this is asking too much of Venti. Even if it is yet another thing Venti has taken away, Mizuki understands why this time. In fact, he… still thinks that Venti should go home. He just wants him to be happy. He's terrified that Mizuki can't make him that happy, or can't see that smile he saw when Venti flew again for the first time. Besides, just the very fact he's still thinking about it and wants to try is proof enough that he loves Mizuki.

He doesn't immediately answer, though he does pepper a couple kisses along his cheek before hiding his face into Venti's shoulder. ]

…I could never hate you. [ Even if Venti broke his heart again. Even if Venti left him. Even if Venti cheated again. Even if they weren't together. Even if they couldn't go home together. Even if Venti turned evil and Mizuki ate him. He'd always love Venti. How that love manifests is really up in the air, however. For right now, it is a somewhat strong cocktail of unbridled, saccharine, and possessive. But it is genuine, above all else. ] Even if you told me that you didn't actually love me, and that you could never see me as… 'Mizuki', I-I'd be angry, but I wouldn't hate you.

I want you to stay with me. I want to be important to you. I want to make you happy. A-and… so long as that's something you want, too, I…

…

I'll do my best to make being with me worth it.

[ the fact that there are two bfs means avoiding comparison is basically completely impossible unless they try to 1000% pretend the other doesn't exist duh. which to be honest was something venti might've considered for two minutes because he's still avoidant as hell but even he knows it's impossible.

for instance if he were to compare mizuki still to that boy... everything he admired and loved about that boy, almost everything about him was different in mizuki. it was exactly what fucked him up about mizuki. maybe he was born to love too-deeply and utterly one person in the universe for a brief few months and was doomed to never reach that height ever again, even he wouldn't know.

he can't say it, 'you're the most important thing to me in 2600 years of existence, you can make me happier than anything else', he can't say it. but he can say this, a murmur to mizuki's lips as he kisses him again, ] I love you. [ and this he means, even if he can't promise those two others. if promising much or anything at all could be so questionable with him. if he's someone so fucking flighty he really can barely be tied down to anything at all besides country, besides a memory of someone 2600 years ago. something too formative that he's struggled so to move on from, that 4 months of meeting and loving someone new can slowly slowly change.

but he wants to try. if he could kiss that wish for hope, for being together to mizuki, he could try. ]

I'll only allow you to try that as long as you allow me to do the same, deal?

[ because he's likely the one who has to try harder. two thousands years of damage and alcoholism and fake identity... 50 years of therapy are not enough. the only thing that could fix him is maybe a guillotine or a one-way trip into a volcano. there are some people who are sincerely not worth the effort and deserve to drown in a gutter in a bar alleyway, a far more fitting end than reuniting with a bard in an afterlife if gods could ever meet humans again. ]

[ And just like that, Mizuki's worries melt away. They may still be there in the background, but… just those three words can ease Mizuki, just like this. He still wants to be important to Venti and make him happy, and the fact that he can't get that confirmation is tugging on those obsessive strings of his. Try harder. Do better. Make him love you most. But Mizuki is able to swallow these down. And, just maybe, if Venti can continue to soothe him when he gets this anxious… maybe, just maybe these violent bouts of possessiveness will die down. Mizuki isn't confident, but he's hopeful.

…

He doesn't respond, simply giving Venti soft kisses after his proposal. "You're already worth it, dummy," he could probably interpret the sweet, tender affection as. Perhaps it's just a "yes". Who knows for sure, but Mizuki isn't going to verbally accept this. ]

Mmh. We should go get breakfast now, my love.

All right~ [ a light little sing-song, more an idle lilt than anything playful, but the way he nuzzles a little their noses together is fond as he steals one last kiss before drawing back. he is hungry after all. and well... there's more he should say, but maybe it could be done over pancakes.

he slides off the bed; it's been rather hot lately so he'll leave the cloak and tights off for now. summer venti look if he doesn't go full tommy bahama which he might on occasion. ]

Oh, and by the way, you can speak normally if you'd like. Just, maybe, while... I still need to... [ ... he needs to get over it. he does. he's just not really sure how, that final stage of grief. ]

[ He slides off after, hand chasing him so that he could hold onto his hand. Mizuki's down for jamming his face into whatever meat he can, honestly. He's pretty hungry himself… but, like, when isn't he?

There is a pause at that, though. He opens his mouth for just a moment to… question this, or say that that's probably a bad idea, or ask Venti if he's just going to get upset again. He doesn't. He just isn't an argumentative person. Thus, with a little nod, he drops that haunting and melodic tone for his normal one. ]

Okay.

[ there's a rush of something that washes through him when he hears mizuki's voice again. he'd hate to identify what it is, relief, yearning, bittersweet nostalgia... his heart skips, his fingers twitch. he bites his lip.

but there's a different kind of relief when he takes mizuki's hand, the feeling that maybe things would be all right. anyway, time to get breakfast, he sure would be in a mood primarily for pancakes and cinnamon toast and of course a lot of fresh fruit, he'd happily load up his tray with that.

and in the meantime, something else he's been wondering-- ] Mizuki, besides me though, don't you also... wouldn't you want to go to Ebalon's world? Or, I'm sure, he'd like for you to be with him.

[ Once they arrive in the cafe, Mizuki is pretty immediately piling his own platter with various meat. And I mean piling. There's comically so much food on this idiot's tray when he sits with Venti that it practically hides him completely. He doesn't wolf the food down, though! He's a good and polite boy, so he's using a fork and knife, as he should! ]

Hm? Oh. Yeah, of course. He's… he seems pretty sure that he can figure out a way to make himself remember when he goes home, but I uh… I'm not so sure… So, I'm gonna figure out how Miss Jenny traverses realities, o-or I guess maybe ask her if she doesn't mind having some temporary passengers [ Which he really doesn't want to do, eugh… ] to drop us all off somewhere… nice?

I, uh, I haven't thought that far ahead, admittedly. I don't really know how those things work, but I figure it's kind of a "cross that bridge when it gets here" deal…

INBOX

❝ Hmm? What's up? ❞

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