[ Mizuki listens, and if he has any feelings in the moment about this in the moment, his face doesn't show it. Perhaps partially due to the fact he is feeling a lot of things in the moment. On the one hand, Add and Elsword being happy together and pursuing this relationship and becoming boyfriends is literally what Mizuki had wished for during the lantern festival. It's like when the main couple in a series you enjoy finally get together after eight whole seasons of "will they, won't they"…
But on the other hand, it sounds like at least Add isn't happy, and that's reason enough for Mizuki to not preemptively celebrate. The opposite, really. His whole heart is going out to the doctor. ]
[If this were any other experiment, he'd have to try it again, and again, and again, just to be sure. Only doing it once, under such delicate conditions... it's sloppy work.
How does he feel?]
... that detail doesn't matter anymore. It's better if things go back to normal, so is there some way I can make Elsword fall out of love? I tried turning him down gently, [you did NOT???] and I gave him a few days to calm down, but he still seems to be upset about it. I don't mind as much if he's still mad at me, but his behaviour is starting to attract too much attention...
Hmm… Would you say that detail doesn't matter because avoiding your own emotions is a conclusive outcome? Would you say you're much too used to things having controlled environments, so anything as unpredictable as being in love is off-putting?
Forgive me if this sounds accusatory at all — it isn't that. They're genuine questions. I would like to know how you are feeling. Until we do, I don't know how to give you advice that benefits all parties. In this moment, we can shelf Elsword's feelings.
[ Mizuki leans forward. ]
Which parts are inconclusive? Do you have any conclusive data? Pros and cons that you've gone over, definitive thoughts you've had… anything like that?
[He looks up from the floor, and he's making a sour face at Mizuki... instinctively, he wants to deflect again. He only did it because Elsword initiated, so if Elsword stopped wanting to do those things then it becomes a non-issue, right? He didn't have this problem before, so it would work out perfectly...
... would it really, though? Can he say, without a shadow of a doubt... he never had any feelings of his own towards Elsword?
He looks down again, too exhausted to continue scowling. Conclusive data... controlled environments... maybe, if he focuses on just the parts he can answer...]
... I didn't dislike it. Hormones released were of the expected levels in both participants, and there were no mind-altering substances involved. I was offered five separate opportunities to back out. I declined them all. [He only stopped after he passed out, basically. Is it because he was that wrapped up in the experience, or... did he really want all of that, just for himself?]
It's not that emotions like "love" can't be controlled. All emotions are just chemical signals sent from the brain, it's not so complicated I couldn't replicate it... but I don't know what he sees in me to achieve that on his own. I don't gain anything significant by upgrading the relationship, so it makes more sense to try to keep things simplified.
I would have to disagree, if just because your metaphorical heart and mind don’t always get along. Some people are more inclined to follow one over the other. While emotions might just be chemicals in our brain, we’d be remiss if we ignored the fact that they do cause people to ebb a certain way.
That’s what psychotherapy is for. That’s what psychoanalysis is for. Is there anything more exciting than to see someone’s actions dictated solely on their emotions. How people instinctively choose something based on their brain chemistry? How fascinating it is to watch one’s resilience and the achievements they can accomplish simply by feeling strong emotions. How one’s emotional memory can completely change them as a person?? How someone’s past shapes them? How taking away everything from someone to see what their breaking point is? It’s all fascinating.
…
Sorry, I’m rambling. I got off topic, we’re focused on you. [ He shakes himself off a bit, like he’s getting himself focused again. ] I forget what point I was trying to make, but I have a question: Do you genuinely think you would not be gaining anything from pushing forward with the relationship? You don’t have to tell me the answer, but I want you to really think about it.
Furthermore, is it… the relationship progressing that bothers you, or is it the potential of messing not only it up but also the possibility of burning the whole bridge?
[It's hard to admit to... but he isn't getting anywhere by dancing around the topic. Mizuki has come close enough times already. Does it really matter if he knows?]
"Love" demands a greater amount of intimacy. Issues that won't come up between close friends might arise between lovers... it's already strange that he gravitates towards me, I can't imagine it holding up to scrutiny.
I panicked, so I ended things preemptively. I thought it would be easier.
[ He figured as much. Isn't that the main reason people don't do things? Anxiety, being afraid of risking it all, being afraid that you're putting your heart into someone's hands and also have a penchant for cutting people's hands off. Normal stuff. ]
It's true, love does demand that, and it's likely that you'll be putting in a lot more just to have the possibility of losing it, but... it isn't like you're not gaining anything in return. A closer bond is... always something people are seeking out, platonic or romantic. But more than that, love is often described as a "leap of faith" for that reason.
Let's focus on this first, though: Why do you think it's strange that he gravitates toward you, exactly?
I don't need a closer bond. I can live without it just fine. [He sounds pretty confident for a guy who lost his mind after one kiss and skipped straight to third base, but y'know.] I've never needed anything like that before. My work is already fulfilling.
Elsword is... well, he's popular. I could name at least two people who I'm certain would jump at the chance to have a more intimate relationship with him, and there's likely more than that. He doesn't have to settle for someone like me. A doctor with little to no experience with romantic relationships, I can't match him physically, and he's not really interested in science or medicine... I just don't see how we're even compatible.
[... he's being pretty hard on himself, and he knows that. At least he can accept that Elsword doesn't care about his physical imperfections. Why would he, when he's a seasoned warrior with many more scars than Add? Is that... why he made a big deal about Add's eye? Is he only attractive now because he's similarly scarred...
He shakes his head—getting off topic in there, stay focused.]
We're too different from each other. He'd be better off with someone else.
"Needing" and "wanting" are different things, Doctor.
[ He taps his fingers against his knees for a moment with a small hum. ]
Just because you don't have and romantic experience doesn't mean all that much, really. You can't really justify that if you're not willing to get that experience, anyway. [ Otome homework real???? He'll bring it up in a minute, probably- ] I think you're also just selling yourself far too short, Add. You are incredibly passionate about your interests, unafraid to make quick decisions, reliable, and very analytical. Why would he be "settling" for someone like that?
... Besides, even if that's all something that you disagree with...
[He's making a face again like he really wants to argue... maybe he could make decisions for Elsword's heart. If he used that...
... but it would be hard to operate when Elsword won't even speak to him anymore. Besides, there are better uses for that. Like making someone stay in love...
hmm.]
... Elsword has been a reliable friend to me, so I'd like to keep things genuine between us if I can. [????? that won't make sense without his internal monologue, but don't worry about it]
But I already said I had no feelings for him... he doesn't even want to talk to me right now. He's been sleeping out by the river for three days now. Should I... keep waiting?
[ Mizuki isn't even going to question it. That sounds like a good response? Why would he question that— ]
Well, from the sounds of it, you're still sorting your own headspace out. But I don't think you have to know that much to go talk to Elsword. It's important to apologize for hurting his feelings, at least. Because, um, it sounds like you did? And he's not going to come to you first if that happens, so… I think you should see him.
Leading with something to let him know that he doesn't need to talk to you if he's not ready to, but that you have some things you need to say. Even if it's just… "I'm sorry" and "I don't really know what any of this means right now". I think even that much will help Elsword understand where you are coming from.
If you'd like, you can practice what you want to say with me.
[... he was kind of hoping Mizuki would say to keep waiting. He can't put this off forever, but maybe just one more day?
He sighs, flopping back against the couch to stare up at the ceiling. He wants to sink into the floor... where does he even start with this? Would it... help to give more context first?]
... I wanted to see how far you'd go. The experiment was a success, so there's no need to repeat it. I already have the data I need.
Keep the kiss if you want to. It doesn't mean anything to me.
...
That's what I said to him. [repeated word for word, as stoically as he had the first time.] ... before that, I tried to pretend it didn't happen, but that didn't work. He's probably mad about... both things...
[ Hm. How very middle of the road Mizuki feels about this, actually. On the one hand, the otome-loving, hopeless romantic side of him is saying of course he's fucking pissed about that. "It doesn't mean anything to me," when someone adores you like that is, perhaps, the actual worst thing you can say, period. Mizuki thinks this part of him would feel its heart shatter.
But on the other hand, the sort of disgusting, obsessive, loyal dog part of him is relatively unphased by this. He might not know Add as well as Elsword, but he knows him fairly well just from watching his behavior up until now. Is this not… something Elsword took into account? Surely it's one of Add's charms to be so curious about how people react to things and the data collected from responses under different circumstances and pressures—
How complicated… ]
Then, let me ask you something, do you feel bad about that because Elsword feels bad, or do you feel bad about it because you didn't mean it?
Ugh. Of course I was lying... if I had all the data, I wouldn't be here right now. [he also wouldn't be here if the kiss didn't mean anything...] Like I said, I panicked, so I just said what I thought would put an end to things.
If I could've said things differently... The experiment was a success, but the results are still inconclusive. Can we... repeat it again?
[...
it really doesn't sound romantic at all to him... also, if he tries to open with that now, Elsword will definitely get mad at him again.]
Mmmh, I think if you word it that way, Elsword might misinterpret it…? Just… as a reminder, Add, you did hurt Elsword. It'll go a long way if you show him a bit of vulnerability in turn…
[it's too late to use that as an argument, what with him pouring his heart out to Mizuki... but it's still hard to shake the aversion. this goes against everything he knows, everything he's taught himself to survive. will this come back to bite him someday?]
What if... he doesn't want to try again? If he'd rather not see me at all anymore... [if he tries to open up his heart only to be rejected... well, at least they'd be even.]
["Super fake" is how he'd describe himself, so maybe this otome is onto something. If it were something like a "Pure-hearted Knight" instead of a "Villainous Priest", it'd be perfect...]
So... I should try, and if it doesn't work, it wasn't love to begin with?
Well, I wouldn't invalidate Elsword's feelings like that, but it's highly possible, yes. That said, I'm sure it will work, Doctor Add, because I do genuinely think Elsword thinks the world of you.
[ And he's not just saying that because Elsword is his other patient, but rather because of what he's observed. ]
If you'd like, you can give it a little bit of time to think about it. I wouldn't wait too much longer, but I also don't want you to rush into it without a plan. In the meantime, maybe you could stay here at the therapy building? I could show you some games to play and stuff, and the stuffed animals are real comfy.
[He's quiet for a moment, still trying to sort out his complicated feelings... but eventually he sits back upright, pausing to adjust his hat and hair.]
That block puzzle with the tetrominoes. Let me try that one again.
[he is going to play Tetris until he beats it or until Mizuki tells him it doesn't actually have an ending... but also, he is going to play Tetris until his head is clear and not full of messy thoughts and he can put together a reasonable apology.]
[ Mizuki excitedly pulls Tetris from his bag. Does he just keep that on him? Yes. Absolutely. Anyway, he’ll join Add on the couch now that he’s not in therapy mode.
In fact, Mizuki seems to relax a lot. No more punctual sitting, no more mostly contemplative expressions, and even his voice is just a little more relaxed. ]
Here you go! I hope I helped a little, at least. I’m still tryna get better with this stuff, but I really wanna be able to help. Even if just a little. But stuff like that don’t usually come naturally…
[Dynamo also rises from their couchspot, clustering around both Add and Mizuki's shoulders. Relaxing isn't something Add is good at... but technology never fails to keep his mind busy. His eye lights up, focused intently on the screen.]
... I don't like to admit it, but this therapy of yours is more effective than I thought it would be. [who knew that talking about your feelings instead of bottling everything up would feel... better??] But also... promise me you won't speak of these meetings to anyone. I don't want them to think of me as anything but a perfect and capable doctor.
Ehehe!!! I wouldn't be doing it if it weren't~! We have quite a few therapists back home, too, and they're all pretty good at what they do. I can only hope to be a little more like them.
[ He kicks his legs, looking over Add's shoulder to watch him play. No pointers given, he just likes to watch people solve "puzzles" like this. ]
Don't worry. You're a doctor, you know how important patient confidentiality is~! But, um, for what it's worth, I still think you're a perfectly capable doctor even after all this! Things like this just get a little complicated for other people, I've realized. I don't hold any judgements against them, or you, for it. I don't think anyone else would, either.
[Mizuki thinks he's capable... part of him still wants to doubt, but he wants to believe it's true. Maybe he can't be honest with everyone, but if it's just one or two people... that can be his "support group", right?
... he'll need more time to gauge if he can talk about other things, but it's a start.]
This type of work isn't common in Elrios, but neither are skilled doctors... war and over-reliance on El makes travel difficult, and that prevents knowledge from spreading widely. If the current situation can be resolved, perhaps...
[imagine if they actually gave kids therapy instead of sending 13yos out to war............. but anyway, Add is actually pretty good at Tetris. it helps when you have a chip in your brain that can calculate the perfect move faster than human capabilities. he hasn't figured out how to do all those cool tricks like T-spins yet and he's not totally comfortable with the controls, but give him a few weeks and he'll be a pro.]
... Hm. This game isn't that complicated. I could program something similar...
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mooninthewater) wrote2023-08-16 12:10 pm
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But on the other hand, it sounds like at least Add isn't happy, and that's reason enough for Mizuki to not preemptively celebrate. The opposite, really. His whole heart is going out to the doctor. ]
But how did you feel?
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[If this were any other experiment, he'd have to try it again, and again, and again, just to be sure. Only doing it once, under such delicate conditions... it's sloppy work.
How does he feel?]
... that detail doesn't matter anymore. It's better if things go back to normal, so is there some way I can make Elsword fall out of love? I tried turning him down gently, [you did NOT???] and I gave him a few days to calm down, but he still seems to be upset about it. I don't mind as much if he's still mad at me, but his behaviour is starting to attract too much attention...
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Forgive me if this sounds accusatory at all — it isn't that. They're genuine questions. I would like to know how you are feeling. Until we do, I don't know how to give you advice that benefits all parties. In this moment, we can shelf Elsword's feelings.
[ Mizuki leans forward. ]
Which parts are inconclusive? Do you have any conclusive data? Pros and cons that you've gone over, definitive thoughts you've had… anything like that?
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... would it really, though? Can he say, without a shadow of a doubt... he never had any feelings of his own towards Elsword?
He looks down again, too exhausted to continue scowling. Conclusive data... controlled environments... maybe, if he focuses on just the parts he can answer...]
... I didn't dislike it. Hormones released were of the expected levels in both participants, and there were no mind-altering substances involved. I was offered five separate opportunities to back out. I declined them all. [He only stopped after he passed out, basically. Is it because he was that wrapped up in the experience, or... did he really want all of that, just for himself?]
It's not that emotions like "love" can't be controlled. All emotions are just chemical signals sent from the brain, it's not so complicated I couldn't replicate it... but I don't know what he sees in me to achieve that on his own. I don't gain anything significant by upgrading the relationship, so it makes more sense to try to keep things simplified.
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That’s what psychotherapy is for. That’s what psychoanalysis is for. Is there anything more exciting than to see someone’s actions dictated solely on their emotions. How people instinctively choose something based on their brain chemistry? How fascinating it is to watch one’s resilience and the achievements they can accomplish simply by feeling strong emotions. How one’s emotional memory can completely change them as a person?? How someone’s past shapes them? How taking away everything from someone to see what their breaking point is? It’s all fascinating.
…
Sorry, I’m rambling. I got off topic, we’re focused on you. [ He shakes himself off a bit, like he’s getting himself focused again. ] I forget what point I was trying to make, but I have a question: Do you genuinely think you would not be gaining anything from pushing forward with the relationship? You don’t have to tell me the answer, but I want you to really think about it.
Furthermore, is it… the relationship progressing that bothers you, or is it the potential of messing not only it up but also the possibility of burning the whole bridge?
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[It's hard to admit to... but he isn't getting anywhere by dancing around the topic. Mizuki has come close enough times already. Does it really matter if he knows?]
"Love" demands a greater amount of intimacy. Issues that won't come up between close friends might arise between lovers... it's already strange that he gravitates towards me, I can't imagine it holding up to scrutiny.
I panicked, so I ended things preemptively. I thought it would be easier.
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It's true, love does demand that, and it's likely that you'll be putting in a lot more just to have the possibility of losing it, but... it isn't like you're not gaining anything in return. A closer bond is... always something people are seeking out, platonic or romantic. But more than that, love is often described as a "leap of faith" for that reason.
Let's focus on this first, though: Why do you think it's strange that he gravitates toward you, exactly?
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Elsword is... well, he's popular. I could name at least two people who I'm certain would jump at the chance to have a more intimate relationship with him, and there's likely more than that. He doesn't have to settle for someone like me. A doctor with little to no experience with romantic relationships, I can't match him physically, and he's not really interested in science or medicine... I just don't see how we're even compatible.
[... he's being pretty hard on himself, and he knows that. At least he can accept that Elsword doesn't care about his physical imperfections. Why would he, when he's a seasoned warrior with many more scars than Add? Is that... why he made a big deal about Add's eye? Is he only attractive now because he's similarly scarred...
He shakes his head—getting off topic in there, stay focused.]
We're too different from each other. He'd be better off with someone else.
1/2
[ He taps his fingers against his knees for a moment with a small hum. ]
Just because you don't have and romantic experience doesn't mean all that much, really. You can't really justify that if you're not willing to get that experience, anyway. [ Otome homework real???? He'll bring it up in a minute, probably- ] I think you're also just selling yourself far too short, Add. You are incredibly passionate about your interests, unafraid to make quick decisions, reliable, and very analytical. Why would he be "settling" for someone like that?
... Besides, even if that's all something that you disagree with...
2/2
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... but it would be hard to operate when Elsword won't even speak to him anymore. Besides, there are better uses for that. Like making someone stay in love...
hmm.]
... Elsword has been a reliable friend to me, so I'd like to keep things genuine between us if I can. [????? that won't make sense without his internal monologue, but don't worry about it]
But I already said I had no feelings for him... he doesn't even want to talk to me right now. He's been sleeping out by the river for three days now. Should I... keep waiting?
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Well, from the sounds of it, you're still sorting your own headspace out. But I don't think you have to know that much to go talk to Elsword. It's important to apologize for hurting his feelings, at least. Because, um, it sounds like you did? And he's not going to come to you first if that happens, so… I think you should see him.
Leading with something to let him know that he doesn't need to talk to you if he's not ready to, but that you have some things you need to say. Even if it's just… "I'm sorry" and "I don't really know what any of this means right now". I think even that much will help Elsword understand where you are coming from.
If you'd like, you can practice what you want to say with me.
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He sighs, flopping back against the couch to stare up at the ceiling. He wants to sink into the floor... where does he even start with this? Would it... help to give more context first?]
... I wanted to see how far you'd go. The experiment was a success, so there's no need to repeat it. I already have the data I need.
Keep the kiss if you want to. It doesn't mean anything to me.
...
That's what I said to him. [repeated word for word, as stoically as he had the first time.] ... before that, I tried to pretend it didn't happen, but that didn't work. He's probably mad about... both things...
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But on the other hand, the sort of disgusting, obsessive, loyal dog part of him is relatively unphased by this. He might not know Add as well as Elsword, but he knows him fairly well just from watching his behavior up until now. Is this not… something Elsword took into account? Surely it's one of Add's charms to be so curious about how people react to things and the data collected from responses under different circumstances and pressures—
How complicated… ]
Then, let me ask you something, do you feel bad about that because Elsword feels bad, or do you feel bad about it because you didn't mean it?
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If I could've said things differently... The experiment was a success, but the results are still inconclusive. Can we... repeat it again?
[...
it really doesn't sound romantic at all to him... also, if he tries to open with that now, Elsword will definitely get mad at him again.]
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[it's too late to use that as an argument, what with him pouring his heart out to Mizuki... but it's still hard to shake the aversion. this goes against everything he knows, everything he's taught himself to survive. will this come back to bite him someday?]
What if... he doesn't want to try again? If he'd rather not see me at all anymore... [if he tries to open up his heart only to be rejected... well, at least they'd be even.]
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…
At least, that's what the otome "Why am I Loving the Villanous Priest? 'Cause I'm Super Fake." has taught me.
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["Super fake" is how he'd describe himself, so maybe this otome is onto something. If it were something like a "Pure-hearted Knight" instead of a "Villainous Priest", it'd be perfect...]
So... I should try, and if it doesn't work, it wasn't love to begin with?
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[ And he's not just saying that because Elsword is his other patient, but rather because of what he's observed. ]
If you'd like, you can give it a little bit of time to think about it. I wouldn't wait too much longer, but I also don't want you to rush into it without a plan. In the meantime, maybe you could stay here at the therapy building? I could show you some games to play and stuff, and the stuffed animals are real comfy.
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That block puzzle with the tetrominoes. Let me try that one again.
[he is going to play Tetris until he beats it or until Mizuki tells him it doesn't actually have an ending... but also, he is going to play Tetris until his head is clear and not full of messy thoughts and he can put together a reasonable apology.]
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In fact, Mizuki seems to relax a lot. No more punctual sitting, no more mostly contemplative expressions, and even his voice is just a little more relaxed. ]
Here you go! I hope I helped a little, at least. I’m still tryna get better with this stuff, but I really wanna be able to help. Even if just a little. But stuff like that don’t usually come naturally…
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... I don't like to admit it, but this therapy of yours is more effective than I thought it would be. [who knew that talking about your feelings instead of bottling everything up would feel... better??] But also... promise me you won't speak of these meetings to anyone. I don't want them to think of me as anything but a perfect and capable doctor.
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[ He kicks his legs, looking over Add's shoulder to watch him play. No pointers given, he just likes to watch people solve "puzzles" like this. ]
Don't worry. You're a doctor, you know how important patient confidentiality is~! But, um, for what it's worth, I still think you're a perfectly capable doctor even after all this! Things like this just get a little complicated for other people, I've realized. I don't hold any judgements against them, or you, for it. I don't think anyone else would, either.
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... he'll need more time to gauge if he can talk about other things, but it's a start.]
This type of work isn't common in Elrios, but neither are skilled doctors... war and over-reliance on El makes travel difficult, and that prevents knowledge from spreading widely. If the current situation can be resolved, perhaps...
[imagine if they actually gave kids therapy instead of sending 13yos out to war............. but anyway, Add is actually pretty good at Tetris. it helps when you have a chip in your brain that can calculate the perfect move faster than human capabilities. he hasn't figured out how to do all those cool tricks like T-spins yet and he's not totally comfortable with the controls, but give him a few weeks and he'll be a pro.]
... Hm. This game isn't that complicated. I could program something similar...
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