[ Mizuki makes sure to lock the door as well. Not that he thinks anyone will come in, but it's just better to keep up the habit, just in case. Then, he finds his seat in the chair and folds his hands steadily in his lap, and…
Oh? Oh??? Had Add started to open up to the idea of more therapy! Hell yeah. Maybe he didn't do that poorly before, then!! ]
I'll certainly do my best to. What's on your mind, Doctor Add?
[Okay, Add. Deep breaths. This is just a peer review, don't make it weird...]
About what we spoke of last time... there was a disagreement on "the difference between attraction and scientific curiosity."
Let's say, hypothetically speaking, there was someone you were merely "curious" about, but they performed a signal that suggested "attraction"... how would you react to an encounter like that?
[ There's a few rapid, dumbfounded blinks at the question. His initial response is to try to answer the question, but the only thing that seems to be ringing in his head is "Attraction???? To me??????????" and that sounds like the opposite of an answer. So he just sort of mimics a fish for a moment as he tries to think of something good to say, before it finally dawns on him.
Oh shit, oh fuck, did Elsword confess?! (And he wasn't snooping to see?!?! Bummer.) ]
I suppose… I would do my best to figure out whether or not my "curiousness" could be something more, if nurtured, or if there was just a wall in my way that prevented it from being anything more or not.
[ Admittedly, he's not actually sure how easy that is or not, but he's trying to give good advice that isn't "just raise the friendship stat to 8 hearts and exhaust all their dialogue options." ]
[Nurturing, or a wall... but neither of those options sounds right to him. He doesn't want to nurture it, and if it was a wall he wouldn't have consented to a handjob at 3am. It's not a very helpful answer... but really, it's the fault of his awkwardly phrased question.]
Well... it's a scientist's instinct to pursue new information, isn't it? So if you agreed to something like that, and they took it as returned feelings... but you had never actually done that before, so you wouldn't know what it actually meant... to you, I mean, it's obvious what it meant to them. So you thought you'd feel one way, when actually it's more like...
[Ugh, how is he supposed to ask this the right way?? He can feel his face getting redder by the second... should he try a different approach? Maybe he just needs to cut straight to the point.]
What are you supposed to do if you don't want feelings for someone? Is there a way to... get rid of them?
[can he opt out... he wants to feel normal again, he can't deal with this]
… [ Hoo boy. Okay. ] You want to… get rid of your feelings? [ BRO??? HOW BAD WAS THE CONFESSION?? He's a little lost. ]
I'm sorry, Doctor Add, but… I think maybe we should take a couple steps back first. What happened exactly to make you feel like you don't want those feelings?
[He sighs again, slouching forward. Why can't he just give a simple answer so Add can move on from all this...?]
I... may have kissed Elsword. [among other things]
I don't know. I'm not really... I'm not interested in these types of things, normally, but in the heat of the moment [god was it hot in the moment] I wanted to see what he would do. He was... enthusiastic.
[ Mizuki listens, and if he has any feelings in the moment about this in the moment, his face doesn't show it. Perhaps partially due to the fact he is feeling a lot of things in the moment. On the one hand, Add and Elsword being happy together and pursuing this relationship and becoming boyfriends is literally what Mizuki had wished for during the lantern festival. It's like when the main couple in a series you enjoy finally get together after eight whole seasons of "will they, won't they"…
But on the other hand, it sounds like at least Add isn't happy, and that's reason enough for Mizuki to not preemptively celebrate. The opposite, really. His whole heart is going out to the doctor. ]
[If this were any other experiment, he'd have to try it again, and again, and again, just to be sure. Only doing it once, under such delicate conditions... it's sloppy work.
How does he feel?]
... that detail doesn't matter anymore. It's better if things go back to normal, so is there some way I can make Elsword fall out of love? I tried turning him down gently, [you did NOT???] and I gave him a few days to calm down, but he still seems to be upset about it. I don't mind as much if he's still mad at me, but his behaviour is starting to attract too much attention...
Hmm… Would you say that detail doesn't matter because avoiding your own emotions is a conclusive outcome? Would you say you're much too used to things having controlled environments, so anything as unpredictable as being in love is off-putting?
Forgive me if this sounds accusatory at all — it isn't that. They're genuine questions. I would like to know how you are feeling. Until we do, I don't know how to give you advice that benefits all parties. In this moment, we can shelf Elsword's feelings.
[ Mizuki leans forward. ]
Which parts are inconclusive? Do you have any conclusive data? Pros and cons that you've gone over, definitive thoughts you've had… anything like that?
[He looks up from the floor, and he's making a sour face at Mizuki... instinctively, he wants to deflect again. He only did it because Elsword initiated, so if Elsword stopped wanting to do those things then it becomes a non-issue, right? He didn't have this problem before, so it would work out perfectly...
... would it really, though? Can he say, without a shadow of a doubt... he never had any feelings of his own towards Elsword?
He looks down again, too exhausted to continue scowling. Conclusive data... controlled environments... maybe, if he focuses on just the parts he can answer...]
... I didn't dislike it. Hormones released were of the expected levels in both participants, and there were no mind-altering substances involved. I was offered five separate opportunities to back out. I declined them all. [He only stopped after he passed out, basically. Is it because he was that wrapped up in the experience, or... did he really want all of that, just for himself?]
It's not that emotions like "love" can't be controlled. All emotions are just chemical signals sent from the brain, it's not so complicated I couldn't replicate it... but I don't know what he sees in me to achieve that on his own. I don't gain anything significant by upgrading the relationship, so it makes more sense to try to keep things simplified.
I would have to disagree, if just because your metaphorical heart and mind don’t always get along. Some people are more inclined to follow one over the other. While emotions might just be chemicals in our brain, we’d be remiss if we ignored the fact that they do cause people to ebb a certain way.
That’s what psychotherapy is for. That’s what psychoanalysis is for. Is there anything more exciting than to see someone’s actions dictated solely on their emotions. How people instinctively choose something based on their brain chemistry? How fascinating it is to watch one’s resilience and the achievements they can accomplish simply by feeling strong emotions. How one’s emotional memory can completely change them as a person?? How someone’s past shapes them? How taking away everything from someone to see what their breaking point is? It’s all fascinating.
…
Sorry, I’m rambling. I got off topic, we’re focused on you. [ He shakes himself off a bit, like he’s getting himself focused again. ] I forget what point I was trying to make, but I have a question: Do you genuinely think you would not be gaining anything from pushing forward with the relationship? You don’t have to tell me the answer, but I want you to really think about it.
Furthermore, is it… the relationship progressing that bothers you, or is it the potential of messing not only it up but also the possibility of burning the whole bridge?
[It's hard to admit to... but he isn't getting anywhere by dancing around the topic. Mizuki has come close enough times already. Does it really matter if he knows?]
"Love" demands a greater amount of intimacy. Issues that won't come up between close friends might arise between lovers... it's already strange that he gravitates towards me, I can't imagine it holding up to scrutiny.
I panicked, so I ended things preemptively. I thought it would be easier.
[ He figured as much. Isn't that the main reason people don't do things? Anxiety, being afraid of risking it all, being afraid that you're putting your heart into someone's hands and also have a penchant for cutting people's hands off. Normal stuff. ]
It's true, love does demand that, and it's likely that you'll be putting in a lot more just to have the possibility of losing it, but... it isn't like you're not gaining anything in return. A closer bond is... always something people are seeking out, platonic or romantic. But more than that, love is often described as a "leap of faith" for that reason.
Let's focus on this first, though: Why do you think it's strange that he gravitates toward you, exactly?
I don't need a closer bond. I can live without it just fine. [He sounds pretty confident for a guy who lost his mind after one kiss and skipped straight to third base, but y'know.] I've never needed anything like that before. My work is already fulfilling.
Elsword is... well, he's popular. I could name at least two people who I'm certain would jump at the chance to have a more intimate relationship with him, and there's likely more than that. He doesn't have to settle for someone like me. A doctor with little to no experience with romantic relationships, I can't match him physically, and he's not really interested in science or medicine... I just don't see how we're even compatible.
[... he's being pretty hard on himself, and he knows that. At least he can accept that Elsword doesn't care about his physical imperfections. Why would he, when he's a seasoned warrior with many more scars than Add? Is that... why he made a big deal about Add's eye? Is he only attractive now because he's similarly scarred...
He shakes his head—getting off topic in there, stay focused.]
We're too different from each other. He'd be better off with someone else.
"Needing" and "wanting" are different things, Doctor.
[ He taps his fingers against his knees for a moment with a small hum. ]
Just because you don't have and romantic experience doesn't mean all that much, really. You can't really justify that if you're not willing to get that experience, anyway. [ Otome homework real???? He'll bring it up in a minute, probably- ] I think you're also just selling yourself far too short, Add. You are incredibly passionate about your interests, unafraid to make quick decisions, reliable, and very analytical. Why would he be "settling" for someone like that?
... Besides, even if that's all something that you disagree with...
[He's making a face again like he really wants to argue... maybe he could make decisions for Elsword's heart. If he used that...
... but it would be hard to operate when Elsword won't even speak to him anymore. Besides, there are better uses for that. Like making someone stay in love...
hmm.]
... Elsword has been a reliable friend to me, so I'd like to keep things genuine between us if I can. [????? that won't make sense without his internal monologue, but don't worry about it]
But I already said I had no feelings for him... he doesn't even want to talk to me right now. He's been sleeping out by the river for three days now. Should I... keep waiting?
[ Mizuki isn't even going to question it. That sounds like a good response? Why would he question that— ]
Well, from the sounds of it, you're still sorting your own headspace out. But I don't think you have to know that much to go talk to Elsword. It's important to apologize for hurting his feelings, at least. Because, um, it sounds like you did? And he's not going to come to you first if that happens, so… I think you should see him.
Leading with something to let him know that he doesn't need to talk to you if he's not ready to, but that you have some things you need to say. Even if it's just… "I'm sorry" and "I don't really know what any of this means right now". I think even that much will help Elsword understand where you are coming from.
If you'd like, you can practice what you want to say with me.
[... he was kind of hoping Mizuki would say to keep waiting. He can't put this off forever, but maybe just one more day?
He sighs, flopping back against the couch to stare up at the ceiling. He wants to sink into the floor... where does he even start with this? Would it... help to give more context first?]
... I wanted to see how far you'd go. The experiment was a success, so there's no need to repeat it. I already have the data I need.
Keep the kiss if you want to. It doesn't mean anything to me.
...
That's what I said to him. [repeated word for word, as stoically as he had the first time.] ... before that, I tried to pretend it didn't happen, but that didn't work. He's probably mad about... both things...
[ Hm. How very middle of the road Mizuki feels about this, actually. On the one hand, the otome-loving, hopeless romantic side of him is saying of course he's fucking pissed about that. "It doesn't mean anything to me," when someone adores you like that is, perhaps, the actual worst thing you can say, period. Mizuki thinks this part of him would feel its heart shatter.
But on the other hand, the sort of disgusting, obsessive, loyal dog part of him is relatively unphased by this. He might not know Add as well as Elsword, but he knows him fairly well just from watching his behavior up until now. Is this not… something Elsword took into account? Surely it's one of Add's charms to be so curious about how people react to things and the data collected from responses under different circumstances and pressures—
How complicated… ]
Then, let me ask you something, do you feel bad about that because Elsword feels bad, or do you feel bad about it because you didn't mean it?
Ugh. Of course I was lying... if I had all the data, I wouldn't be here right now. [he also wouldn't be here if the kiss didn't mean anything...] Like I said, I panicked, so I just said what I thought would put an end to things.
If I could've said things differently... The experiment was a success, but the results are still inconclusive. Can we... repeat it again?
[...
it really doesn't sound romantic at all to him... also, if he tries to open with that now, Elsword will definitely get mad at him again.]
Mmmh, I think if you word it that way, Elsword might misinterpret it…? Just… as a reminder, Add, you did hurt Elsword. It'll go a long way if you show him a bit of vulnerability in turn…
[it's too late to use that as an argument, what with him pouring his heart out to Mizuki... but it's still hard to shake the aversion. this goes against everything he knows, everything he's taught himself to survive. will this come back to bite him someday?]
What if... he doesn't want to try again? If he'd rather not see me at all anymore... [if he tries to open up his heart only to be rejected... well, at least they'd be even.]
["Super fake" is how he'd describe himself, so maybe this otome is onto something. If it were something like a "Pure-hearted Knight" instead of a "Villainous Priest", it'd be perfect...]
So... I should try, and if it doesn't work, it wasn't love to begin with?
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mooninthewater) wrote2023-08-16 12:10 pm
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Oh? Oh??? Had Add started to open up to the idea of more therapy! Hell yeah. Maybe he didn't do that poorly before, then!! ]
I'll certainly do my best to. What's on your mind, Doctor Add?
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About what we spoke of last time... there was a disagreement on "the difference between attraction and scientific curiosity."
Let's say, hypothetically speaking, there was someone you were merely "curious" about, but they performed a signal that suggested "attraction"... how would you react to an encounter like that?
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Oh shit, oh fuck, did Elsword confess?! (And he wasn't snooping to see?!?! Bummer.) ]
I suppose… I would do my best to figure out whether or not my "curiousness" could be something more, if nurtured, or if there was just a wall in my way that prevented it from being anything more or not.
[ Admittedly, he's not actually sure how easy that is or not, but he's trying to give good advice that isn't "just raise the friendship stat to 8 hearts and exhaust all their dialogue options." ]
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Well... it's a scientist's instinct to pursue new information, isn't it? So if you agreed to something like that, and they took it as returned feelings... but you had never actually done that before, so you wouldn't know what it actually meant... to you, I mean, it's obvious what it meant to them. So you thought you'd feel one way, when actually it's more like...
[Ugh, how is he supposed to ask this the right way?? He can feel his face getting redder by the second... should he try a different approach? Maybe he just needs to cut straight to the point.]
What are you supposed to do if you don't want feelings for someone? Is there a way to... get rid of them?
[can he opt out... he wants to feel normal again, he can't deal with this]
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I'm sorry, Doctor Add, but… I think maybe we should take a couple steps back first. What happened exactly to make you feel like you don't want those feelings?
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I... may have kissed Elsword. [among other things]
I don't know. I'm not really... I'm not interested in these types of things, normally, but in the heat of the moment [god was it hot in the moment] I wanted to see what he would do. He was... enthusiastic.
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But on the other hand, it sounds like at least Add isn't happy, and that's reason enough for Mizuki to not preemptively celebrate. The opposite, really. His whole heart is going out to the doctor. ]
But how did you feel?
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[If this were any other experiment, he'd have to try it again, and again, and again, just to be sure. Only doing it once, under such delicate conditions... it's sloppy work.
How does he feel?]
... that detail doesn't matter anymore. It's better if things go back to normal, so is there some way I can make Elsword fall out of love? I tried turning him down gently, [you did NOT???] and I gave him a few days to calm down, but he still seems to be upset about it. I don't mind as much if he's still mad at me, but his behaviour is starting to attract too much attention...
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Forgive me if this sounds accusatory at all — it isn't that. They're genuine questions. I would like to know how you are feeling. Until we do, I don't know how to give you advice that benefits all parties. In this moment, we can shelf Elsword's feelings.
[ Mizuki leans forward. ]
Which parts are inconclusive? Do you have any conclusive data? Pros and cons that you've gone over, definitive thoughts you've had… anything like that?
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... would it really, though? Can he say, without a shadow of a doubt... he never had any feelings of his own towards Elsword?
He looks down again, too exhausted to continue scowling. Conclusive data... controlled environments... maybe, if he focuses on just the parts he can answer...]
... I didn't dislike it. Hormones released were of the expected levels in both participants, and there were no mind-altering substances involved. I was offered five separate opportunities to back out. I declined them all. [He only stopped after he passed out, basically. Is it because he was that wrapped up in the experience, or... did he really want all of that, just for himself?]
It's not that emotions like "love" can't be controlled. All emotions are just chemical signals sent from the brain, it's not so complicated I couldn't replicate it... but I don't know what he sees in me to achieve that on his own. I don't gain anything significant by upgrading the relationship, so it makes more sense to try to keep things simplified.
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That’s what psychotherapy is for. That’s what psychoanalysis is for. Is there anything more exciting than to see someone’s actions dictated solely on their emotions. How people instinctively choose something based on their brain chemistry? How fascinating it is to watch one’s resilience and the achievements they can accomplish simply by feeling strong emotions. How one’s emotional memory can completely change them as a person?? How someone’s past shapes them? How taking away everything from someone to see what their breaking point is? It’s all fascinating.
…
Sorry, I’m rambling. I got off topic, we’re focused on you. [ He shakes himself off a bit, like he’s getting himself focused again. ] I forget what point I was trying to make, but I have a question: Do you genuinely think you would not be gaining anything from pushing forward with the relationship? You don’t have to tell me the answer, but I want you to really think about it.
Furthermore, is it… the relationship progressing that bothers you, or is it the potential of messing not only it up but also the possibility of burning the whole bridge?
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[It's hard to admit to... but he isn't getting anywhere by dancing around the topic. Mizuki has come close enough times already. Does it really matter if he knows?]
"Love" demands a greater amount of intimacy. Issues that won't come up between close friends might arise between lovers... it's already strange that he gravitates towards me, I can't imagine it holding up to scrutiny.
I panicked, so I ended things preemptively. I thought it would be easier.
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It's true, love does demand that, and it's likely that you'll be putting in a lot more just to have the possibility of losing it, but... it isn't like you're not gaining anything in return. A closer bond is... always something people are seeking out, platonic or romantic. But more than that, love is often described as a "leap of faith" for that reason.
Let's focus on this first, though: Why do you think it's strange that he gravitates toward you, exactly?
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Elsword is... well, he's popular. I could name at least two people who I'm certain would jump at the chance to have a more intimate relationship with him, and there's likely more than that. He doesn't have to settle for someone like me. A doctor with little to no experience with romantic relationships, I can't match him physically, and he's not really interested in science or medicine... I just don't see how we're even compatible.
[... he's being pretty hard on himself, and he knows that. At least he can accept that Elsword doesn't care about his physical imperfections. Why would he, when he's a seasoned warrior with many more scars than Add? Is that... why he made a big deal about Add's eye? Is he only attractive now because he's similarly scarred...
He shakes his head—getting off topic in there, stay focused.]
We're too different from each other. He'd be better off with someone else.
1/2
[ He taps his fingers against his knees for a moment with a small hum. ]
Just because you don't have and romantic experience doesn't mean all that much, really. You can't really justify that if you're not willing to get that experience, anyway. [ Otome homework real???? He'll bring it up in a minute, probably- ] I think you're also just selling yourself far too short, Add. You are incredibly passionate about your interests, unafraid to make quick decisions, reliable, and very analytical. Why would he be "settling" for someone like that?
... Besides, even if that's all something that you disagree with...
2/2
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... but it would be hard to operate when Elsword won't even speak to him anymore. Besides, there are better uses for that. Like making someone stay in love...
hmm.]
... Elsword has been a reliable friend to me, so I'd like to keep things genuine between us if I can. [????? that won't make sense without his internal monologue, but don't worry about it]
But I already said I had no feelings for him... he doesn't even want to talk to me right now. He's been sleeping out by the river for three days now. Should I... keep waiting?
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Well, from the sounds of it, you're still sorting your own headspace out. But I don't think you have to know that much to go talk to Elsword. It's important to apologize for hurting his feelings, at least. Because, um, it sounds like you did? And he's not going to come to you first if that happens, so… I think you should see him.
Leading with something to let him know that he doesn't need to talk to you if he's not ready to, but that you have some things you need to say. Even if it's just… "I'm sorry" and "I don't really know what any of this means right now". I think even that much will help Elsword understand where you are coming from.
If you'd like, you can practice what you want to say with me.
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He sighs, flopping back against the couch to stare up at the ceiling. He wants to sink into the floor... where does he even start with this? Would it... help to give more context first?]
... I wanted to see how far you'd go. The experiment was a success, so there's no need to repeat it. I already have the data I need.
Keep the kiss if you want to. It doesn't mean anything to me.
...
That's what I said to him. [repeated word for word, as stoically as he had the first time.] ... before that, I tried to pretend it didn't happen, but that didn't work. He's probably mad about... both things...
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But on the other hand, the sort of disgusting, obsessive, loyal dog part of him is relatively unphased by this. He might not know Add as well as Elsword, but he knows him fairly well just from watching his behavior up until now. Is this not… something Elsword took into account? Surely it's one of Add's charms to be so curious about how people react to things and the data collected from responses under different circumstances and pressures—
How complicated… ]
Then, let me ask you something, do you feel bad about that because Elsword feels bad, or do you feel bad about it because you didn't mean it?
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If I could've said things differently... The experiment was a success, but the results are still inconclusive. Can we... repeat it again?
[...
it really doesn't sound romantic at all to him... also, if he tries to open with that now, Elsword will definitely get mad at him again.]
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[it's too late to use that as an argument, what with him pouring his heart out to Mizuki... but it's still hard to shake the aversion. this goes against everything he knows, everything he's taught himself to survive. will this come back to bite him someday?]
What if... he doesn't want to try again? If he'd rather not see me at all anymore... [if he tries to open up his heart only to be rejected... well, at least they'd be even.]
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…
At least, that's what the otome "Why am I Loving the Villanous Priest? 'Cause I'm Super Fake." has taught me.
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["Super fake" is how he'd describe himself, so maybe this otome is onto something. If it were something like a "Pure-hearted Knight" instead of a "Villainous Priest", it'd be perfect...]
So... I should try, and if it doesn't work, it wasn't love to begin with?
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